What is standing in my way right now to becoming the authentic me? Not just the authentic me, but the me I dream of being. Who even is that person? What does she look like, sound like, feel like? There are many things I could write in here. I could say its my life, I’m about to shift house, I’m going through a divorce, I’m tired (a favourite), being overweight blah blah… But the truth is – the biggest obstacle in my life is my mind. Everything seems and feels so hard sometimes. I am very self aware, and with that also comes a lot of thinking about self, often critical thinking which leads to being hard on myself and talking down to myself.
To be honest, often fear and lack of motivation hold me back from being me. Firstly fear – what if people reject me. That hurts my heart. It is easy to say I don’t care, but the truth is that most of us want other people to like us. If I could list a load of roadblocks and then the offset of those perhaps it will change how I look at things… lets give it a go:
Fear – Do things anyway. Be brave. Have courage. Its true that most things we are afraid of don’t eventuate in the way we anticipate – so why not look at life with positive anticipation and walk boldly into the next season.
Motivation – To a point, I am lazy. I am more externally motivated than internally motivated. So lets set some goals. Lets find external motivating factors that will put me on the path to freedom in my life.
Shifiting house – so much of what I want to be or want to do involves this move. This move signifies the end of my marriage. It signifies a new season of moving forward, and that is exciting. The truth is, I won’t change, my motivations won’t change, and my weight won’t miraculously change by shifting house. The shift needs to be in my mind. So why not start with resetting my mind now. Lets start with setting small attainable goals I can build on once I shift home, rather than be disappointed that nothing has changed once I shift homes.
My divorce. I really am so disappointed my my ex-husband. Disappointed that he really hasn’t learnt anything. He still fabricates the truth, he still manipulates people, and he still chases the almighty dollar. I can’t change that. I also can’t change that he didn’t sign the divorce papers even though he promised he would. That too disappoints me. But….. there is no point wallowing in self-pity and the what ifs. I cannot change another person. I can only move the process forward for myself. So to finalise this, to bring closure, instead of waiting and hoping, I need to choose to be the one to bring this to an end. There is a grief in it. A grief I don’t get to grow old with someone. A grief my kids don’t have the perfect family unit, and the grief that life should be different to what it is. By bringing closure, it also symbolises an acceptance of this. Life IS different because of divorce. Life IS tinged with a sadness for now, but it certainly isn’t over.
Lastly, the longest running battle of my life… the biggest obstacle. Honestly, I think I have been on and off diets since I was 14 years old. That’s almost 35 years. The dynamics have changed though. My weight isn’t a roadblock because of what I look like, rather, what I fee like… my energy levels, the high blood pressure, and the chances of more medical complications if I don’t rectify this in the coming months and years. I eat because I am bored. I eat sometimes because I am lonely. I eat because it gives me some sort of satisfaction. But it blocks my future… I can’t play games with the kids because I have no energy, I can’t do anything physical for long because I have no stamina, I am constantly tired. The truth is I deserve better. My body deserves better. My heart and lungs deserve better. To truly love myself means to embrace a healthy lifestyle… to have some discipline, and to feel good by eating less. Truth is I KNOW this ! The times I have eaten less, I definitely feel better in mind and body.
These are the biggest obstacles in my life. They all start in the mind, but end with an action. None of them will be overcome by wishing things to happen. Each and every one requires and action on my behalf. Some require little attention, and some require a lot. The truth is my mind often tells me I can’t do it. Looking back over the past two years I know I can. I have left my husband. I have found a job when there were very few. I have changed jobs to a place everyone thought I was mad to go to – and believed it was the best thing (it actually was!!). I have sold two houses, renovated or co-ordinated renovating requirements before sales. I have saved money, and I have kept my head above water. Sometimes it felt like I was drowning. But I didn’t. Sometimes I was so afraid to do things, but I did them and enjoyed the process. Sometimes I got angry with God while waiting on him, but He would always answer – I could always trust him. And I can trust him again. I can trust him to give me strength when I want to hide away. I can trust him to help me say no when its easier to give in, and I can trust him to help me overcome all these obstacles in my life.
This year I want to conquer all of these! Maybe I won’t be fully there, but at least progress will be made. 2022 is a year for tearing down the obstacles so when I turn 50 in 2023 I can be fully, authentic me. I don’t want to just dream this… I determine to make it a reality. But most of all… I pledge to be kind to myself while on this journey.