Authentic Self

Pink Steel Cap Butt Kicking Boots

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This is something I wrote three years ago. Before I decided to leave my husband. I was excited for 2020, but near the end of 2019 my world changed. Maybe I changed. The interesting this is that this is what I wrote. I am going to highlight all the things have have come true over the past three years for me. Ironic that I could write something and look back and see that perhaps those pink steel cap butt kicking boots actually booted my own backside – but so many things I was excited for came true in a way I never thought of, dreamed of, or imagined. Take a look:

“What would you think of if someone told you they bought pink boots? Cute? Sexy? Powerful?
Pink represents so many things – friendship, affection, harmony, inner peace, approachability.
Pink can be soft, but also vibrant. It can be tender, playful and strong. But these boots? My pink
steel cap butt kicking boots? I am so excited to own them because they represent a new story, a
new life.
The last 15 years or so, I have loved my jobs. Some have been more challenging than others.
There have been ones that ended well, and some I was pleased to escape from, but overall I have
met beautiful people. I have learnt as much about myself as I have work cultures and
management styles. Today is the end of full time work in the normal sense for me. It is the end of
bosses, the end of imposed time restrictions, deadlines and priorities. It is the end of being
confined to windowless offices, sitting at a desk working all day and again at night at home. It is
the end of being pulled in two directions, the end of being present for both, yet not ‘all in’ at either.
It is also the beginning. It is the beginning of a certain amount of freedom. Freedom to work
around family. Freedom to embrace a new career. Freedom to try new things, to bring change, to
work with people, and to create. It is the opportunity to build the dream life alongside my husband,
and to change the future for our children.
The boots aren’t about swapping heels for a trade site. They are about breakthrough. Change.
Challenge. Growth. Strength. Confidence. Faith. Hard work. Sweat. Tears. They are power over
doubt, they are belief for the future. Those pink steel cap butt kicking boots are victory in the face
of past defeats. Unafraid, they support when the ground is shaky and remain steady when life is
wobbly.
They say I’m ready! I am all in. I am planted. Firm. Solid. They will walk into places others fear to
tread. They are no longer hiding in the shadows. They say BRING IT ON!
With 2020 around the corner, my boots are poised to jump into the unknown. They will take back
ground, they will proclaim the goodness of God, and you can be sure, they will need to kick butt!
Joys of life often co-exist alongside the struggles. The biggest difference is the attitude we take to
it. I don’t know what 2020 holds for anyone else, but I’m bringing my butt kicking boots! “

I have just written a new mantra for my next three years. As I look back to this, I get excited. Clearly when I wrote this, I wasn’t intending on leaving my marriage. I was excited for what life could bring. But life worked out differently than I expected. As I have written a mantra for my next season – again a three year season, I know that what I now ‘see’ will be vastly different to what eventuates. The fact we can’t see the future is a gift. Yet, how wonderful to look back over the years and see your dreams come through, and God working through our life if we allow. I feel that there isn’t a lot of room for life to get much better, but I know there is much to learn, places to go, people to meet, and God will be there.

Divorce – The other side of the ordeal

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Covid. That is what most people think about when they think of 2020 to 2022. Not me. I think divorce. When I left my husband at the start of 2020, I could never have imagined the depths of what I was to walk through. In all fairness to him, he has really been pretty decent with the whole process. In fact, I’m not even sure he knows the divorce was finalised 5 months ago. I assume he does. My care factor is not high.

Almost three years since I first decided I would leave and I have been through so much. I walked through burn out, exhaustion, the inability to find a job with Covid having hit, potential homelessness, finding work, being hopeful for reconciliation, defeat in that, reconciling my faith with the reality of divorce, selling homes, buying a townhouse, lots of counselling, reconciling the parts of me that that needed healed, reconciling my flaws, finding myself on different ends of the spectrum and allowing myself time to find the trajectory for my life that is most authentic to me. Finally…. the other side…. and JOY. So much joy.

It isn’t that life is necessarily easy. There is always things going on and ups and downs. But I carry a joy, a peace, a contentment that I haven’t carried all my life. I know who I am. I know what I will accept in both a partner, and from myself. I know who I want to be. I know that God is faithful. I fail, but keep on moving forward.

If anyone had told me that life could be this wonderful, I would never have been able to grasp it, or even believe it. I’m so thankful for friends, for family, for God, for a great work environment. I would walk through the last three years again if the change was guaranteed to bring this much satisfaction with life. I laugh every day, I am lighter in spirit, I have no fear of the future – just possibilities – endless possibilities. I’m not waiting for anyone, I’m just living life to the fullest, and loving every second of it.

I know some people have awful battles over houses, money, children, and I’m so thankful I didn’t have that. There was definitely hard times in there to get to the divorce, but it grew my strength, it made me more courageous, and it increased my resilience. I learnt to let go of what I wished for. I gave space to grieve what I had longed for and never was, I gave space to heal the wounds, and allow Gods love to fill my heart, and I gave space for loneliness and despair when it was needed. God took all the hurts, and all the tears, and he has replaced them with a deep seated joy.

Just yesterday I was saying to a friend that my vase at home never seems to be empty of flowers these days. This year, they have come from all different places, but there is barely a week I don’t have a vase filled with fragrance and beauty. She said that maybe it was God lavishing his love upon me, reminding me that I am worthy of his gifts, and worthy of love, and kindness. I hadn’t thought about that, but how precious, and special to think that could be true.

The other side of the divorce – for me, it is like walking out of a dark tunnel into the most brilliant sunshine, where the sun shines brighter, and the raindrops fall softer. So, my friend, if you are about to leave your marriage, if you are in the midst of heartache, or despair – remember that joy will come in the morning. Don’t give up. It might take time, but one day, you will wake up and realise that you deserve to LIVE, not just exist, or survive, but truly live each day, with a smile on your face, and a deep joy in your heart. I can promise that if you do the work on your own heart, you will heal and come through as a new creation.

Bless ❤

An Orchestra of Sound

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The roar of cheers in a stadium, to the shrill scream of fear, the deep manly husk, to the carefree belly laugh.  We are surrounded by noise, and stunned by silence.  An orchestra of sound clangs in our waking ears and whispers in our sleeping moments.

We are always searching for more.  Something new.  Something better.  Something to replace the old with louder, more intense beats.  We are never satisfied with silence, never content to stop, to be still.  We are always reaching, clambering, fighting, begging for more.  More money, more fulfilment, more love, more sex, more career advancement, more, more, more…  We get caught up in the world, in the season of children, sports, taxi driving, bills, church, community events.  We fill our lives with ‘us’, with others.  We pressure ourselves, and put unrealistic expectations on others.  We stuff our feelings away with the busy, the hectic, the noise, and somehow take pride in it.  We live for tomorrow, instead of enjoying today’s moments.  We are never satisfied because tomorrow never arrives.  So we continue the clang.  We strive to be heard above the roar of the city streets, and noticed amongst the rush of the subway.

Have we all forgotten the sound of silence?  Have we forgotten the sound of the soul?  So many of us are searching for ourselves amongst the noise, but if we stop would we find ourselves in the melody of silence?

Perhaps it’s time we hushed the noise.  Perhaps its time we took minutes to listen to the sound of our heart.  To listen to the tiny whispers inside us instead of the continued gongs that dominate our lives.

What if we found release?  What if we found we all had a happy spot deep down inside of us that we have forgotten?  What if we found the cause of the emptiness we feel? What if we found answers?  What if we found purpose?  Motivation?  Understanding? Joy?

What if we found peace?

What if we found our hands lovingly dancing over the piano of our lives?  What if we see dark notes interspersed with the light ones, and realize they create a beauty, a melody, a fragrance.  What if we realized beauty is not found in flash cars, and nice houses, but beauty is found in friendships and love?  What if we watched fingers caress the darkness, and break out into sunshine?  What if we allowed ourselves to be swept up in the magic of melody and drenched in the sound of silence?

What if we all took a moment and changed the repeating clang in our head to a tune that captivates our soul?

This world is an orchestra of sound, and largely we get choose the melody we dance to. What tune are you going to dance to today?

❤

Garden of Promises – For My B.

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Come back with me,

back to our garden of promise..

Close your eyes a moment

Are you there?

Walk with me, admire the twinkling stream,

The falling leaves

the warm sunshine on your back

Can you hear my whisper in the breeze

My breath upon your face?

Do you feel my hands intertwined in yours,

My heart beating to the rhythm of ‘us’?

I am still there

Always, in our sacred spot

Close your eyes,

Remember,

You will always find me

silently holding you, loving you,

My whisper is in not in your ear,

but in your heart

My kiss, is not on your lips,

but on your soul

My body is not enveloped by yours,

but you are enveloped by my love,

In our garden, you will always find me

our place where time stands still

and nothing else matters,

nothing else compares.

I will always be there

When things are hard – search for me,

Remember our peace, our serenity,

Our perfection

And know that in all you face in this world,

You will be ok…. for ….

Love is on its way.

The Pendulum of Time

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I just came across this. I wrote it in Sept 2020. Its good advice. I took my time. I didn’t hurry the process. I’m pleased I didn’t. Disentanglement takes time. The answers did come. My life today is much more than I could have dreamed of or imagined. There is nothing magical about it, yet everything is magical. If you find yourself in here somewhere, don’t be afraid to give yourself the gift of time:

So much has happened since I last posted and I hope to catch up soon. I’m currently in a weird place where the pendulum is swinging both ways.

It can be confusing. Unsettling. Where will I be in a years time? Is this too hard? Will I be single forever? Can my husband and I work things out? If we do, can I ever truly be happy with him?

As one thing falls into place, it seems another changes. Tick. Tick. Tick. The pendulum swings. We get on, we are friends. Tick. Tick. Tick. I can’t do this. I don’t like him. Tick. Tick. This is too hard. Tick. I want what we can do together. Tick. Tick. What does God require of me? Tick. Tick… and on it goes.

I have come to a place that tomorrow doesn’t matter. I only need to have today sorted out, next week sorted. Not next month, or next year. It will sort itself and no amount of worrying about it will change it.

I get to choose. I don’t have to stay with my husband. Is it good for me to stay and better for me to leave? Or is it good for me to leave and better for me to stay?

I don’t have the answers. There is no crystal ball. There is good, there is God and there is also choice. But there is no hurry. I’m not looking for a replacement. I’m not looking for a fling, or some love. I’m taking care of me. Looking after my relationship with God. And the answers will come.

With hubby stuck behind closed borders we can’t see each other. This is a good thing. Space is a good thing. Time to change is a good thing. Time to talk with no expectations is a good thing. There is no rush. If we decide we have nothing to pursue then that is ok. We will be ok. If we go down the road of reconciliation that is also ok. But right now the most precious thing we have is time.

Time to become the best versions of ourselves. Time to explore life alone. Time to reflect and recharge. Time to dig deep and heal hurts.

Nothing will be wasted. The pendulum is swinging, but one day it will be still. We will have our answers. And we will both be ok whatever our future looks like.

Sometimes others want answers of us. But we need to quieten their voices. If we can spend 25 years fighting for a marriage together, then a year or two years apart to decide if we can do another 25 years doesn’t matter.

We have time. Don’t let anyone hurry you. You won’t miss out on anything. You will be pleased for the investment into yourself. You will be pleased you took as long as you needed. Your future will be better for it.

So breathe. Slow down. Take time. Inhale. Exhale. Become at peace within yourself and your joy come. One step at a time is all that is required. So give yourself the gift of time. For you. For your heart. For your soul. For your future.

Go with the pendulum swings until the day your future becomes clear. Don’t be afraid. The answers will come.

Bless.. ❤️

Roadblocks and Obstacles

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What is standing in my way right now to becoming the authentic me? Not just the authentic me, but the me I dream of being. Who even is that person? What does she look like, sound like, feel like? There are many things I could write in here. I could say its my life, I’m about to shift house, I’m going through a divorce, I’m tired (a favourite), being overweight blah blah… But the truth is – the biggest obstacle in my life is my mind. Everything seems and feels so hard sometimes. I am very self aware, and with that also comes a lot of thinking about self, often critical thinking which leads to being hard on myself and talking down to myself.

To be honest, often fear and lack of motivation hold me back from being me. Firstly fear – what if people reject me. That hurts my heart. It is easy to say I don’t care, but the truth is that most of us want other people to like us. If I could list a load of roadblocks and then the offset of those perhaps it will change how I look at things… lets give it a go:

Fear – Do things anyway. Be brave. Have courage. Its true that most things we are afraid of don’t eventuate in the way we anticipate – so why not look at life with positive anticipation and walk boldly into the next season.

Motivation – To a point, I am lazy. I am more externally motivated than internally motivated. So lets set some goals. Lets find external motivating factors that will put me on the path to freedom in my life.

Shifiting house – so much of what I want to be or want to do involves this move. This move signifies the end of my marriage. It signifies a new season of moving forward, and that is exciting. The truth is, I won’t change, my motivations won’t change, and my weight won’t miraculously change by shifting house. The shift needs to be in my mind. So why not start with resetting my mind now. Lets start with setting small attainable goals I can build on once I shift home, rather than be disappointed that nothing has changed once I shift homes.

My divorce. I really am so disappointed my my ex-husband. Disappointed that he really hasn’t learnt anything. He still fabricates the truth, he still manipulates people, and he still chases the almighty dollar. I can’t change that. I also can’t change that he didn’t sign the divorce papers even though he promised he would. That too disappoints me. But….. there is no point wallowing in self-pity and the what ifs. I cannot change another person. I can only move the process forward for myself. So to finalise this, to bring closure, instead of waiting and hoping, I need to choose to be the one to bring this to an end. There is a grief in it. A grief I don’t get to grow old with someone. A grief my kids don’t have the perfect family unit, and the grief that life should be different to what it is. By bringing closure, it also symbolises an acceptance of this. Life IS different because of divorce. Life IS tinged with a sadness for now, but it certainly isn’t over.

Lastly, the longest running battle of my life… the biggest obstacle. Honestly, I think I have been on and off diets since I was 14 years old. That’s almost 35 years. The dynamics have changed though. My weight isn’t a roadblock because of what I look like, rather, what I fee like… my energy levels, the high blood pressure, and the chances of more medical complications if I don’t rectify this in the coming months and years. I eat because I am bored. I eat sometimes because I am lonely. I eat because it gives me some sort of satisfaction. But it blocks my future… I can’t play games with the kids because I have no energy, I can’t do anything physical for long because I have no stamina, I am constantly tired. The truth is I deserve better. My body deserves better. My heart and lungs deserve better. To truly love myself means to embrace a healthy lifestyle… to have some discipline, and to feel good by eating less. Truth is I KNOW this ! The times I have eaten less, I definitely feel better in mind and body.

These are the biggest obstacles in my life. They all start in the mind, but end with an action. None of them will be overcome by wishing things to happen. Each and every one requires and action on my behalf. Some require little attention, and some require a lot. The truth is my mind often tells me I can’t do it. Looking back over the past two years I know I can. I have left my husband. I have found a job when there were very few. I have changed jobs to a place everyone thought I was mad to go to – and believed it was the best thing (it actually was!!). I have sold two houses, renovated or co-ordinated renovating requirements before sales. I have saved money, and I have kept my head above water. Sometimes it felt like I was drowning. But I didn’t. Sometimes I was so afraid to do things, but I did them and enjoyed the process. Sometimes I got angry with God while waiting on him, but He would always answer – I could always trust him. And I can trust him again. I can trust him to give me strength when I want to hide away. I can trust him to help me say no when its easier to give in, and I can trust him to help me overcome all these obstacles in my life.

This year I want to conquer all of these! Maybe I won’t be fully there, but at least progress will be made. 2022 is a year for tearing down the obstacles so when I turn 50 in 2023 I can be fully, authentic me. I don’t want to just dream this… I determine to make it a reality. But most of all… I pledge to be kind to myself while on this journey.

❤