Why are we always in such a hurry to fix things?
There are a lot of people who want me to ‘fix’ my marriage. And they want to see it happen quickly. Imagine… if I don’t … for some reason it seems it would be ok for my husband to find someone else because ‘he has needs’. Excuuuse me?!
But no. I won’t fix my marriage fast. I may not fix it at all. After 25 years, there are a lot of issues. If by chance we do get back together, we probably have 25-30 years left together. So what’s the hurry? If it takes us 1-2 years to work through things does it matter? If we do it and do it well, isn’t it better than rushing it and ending up in the same place with the same bad habits, the same perceptions, the same ‘us’? Isn’t it kinder to give ourselves room to grow? Isn’t it kinder to really think things through and see where life takes us rather than pushing on because we ‘should’ be together? Because honestly – maybe we shouldn’t!
Hubby had a ‘come to Jesus’ moment and it seemed as though maybe we should and could work it out. Within a matter of days and weeks we were set to get back together and build a house and sail off into the sunset on our jet skis. The dream was dreamt, the fantasy was set. All we had to do was have the borders open, our current houses sell and off we would go. 3-6 months. All this year would be done and dusted and we could start afresh.
Except we can’t.
WE are still the same people. And part of that same is the ability to get caught up in a dream, forgetting everything else until the dream isn’t the fantasy we expected and life becomes harder because we went off on a wing and a prayer.
So with nothing changed except the ‘come to Jesus’ moment… really nothing changes. What drove me away before will do so again. Talk of work work work, running a business, feeling invisible, always being put second or third or fourth, feeling let down, caring but not truly loving him, physical contact still making me feel like cringing, my marriage not being a place of safety, strength and rest, not feeling respected. You see, I’m still wavering. My mind tells me I ‘should’ be there. I would make him happy, my kids happy, other people happy…. but I know deep down my heart does not want it. I want the dream… who wouldn’t, but I don’t want it with him. How very sad. How very lonely. I don’t hate him at all. I want the best for him and I can’t give him the best.
It’s easy to go back. So much is familiar. So much is comfortable even in it’s uncomfortableness. But don’t we both deserve better?
This is an excerpt from a text a dear friend sent me last week…
You see…. he wants what is best for me. He knows I deserve to be respected, to be special. He knows I deserve to be loved. He knows me enough to know how hard it is for me to let my guard down. He knows I shouldn’t settle for anything less than the best. He knows me so personally – in fact even from 3000 miles away he knows my faults, my weaknesses, and how I should be treated. Sometimes I forget what I deserve. I’m not yet ready to look for anyone else, but you can bet if that time comes I will remind myself of what I need to do.
Right now I waver back and forth. I don’t know what I want with my husband. But you know what? I’m ok with that. People think we need to fix things ‘now’, but we don’t. Sometimes we need to sit in the process. We need to take time. We need counselling. We need self development. We need space. We need freedom. We need wonder and grace to do life our way. Sometimes we need to lose ourselves in order to find ourselves.
If that means my husband has to wait… then he has a choice. He can love me in the waiting or he can go look for a bit of skirt somewhere else. I have needs to, but they are secondary to the rest of it. If I’m not worth the wait, then I never was worth enough to him. But if we can both self examine, both seek counsel and forgiveness, if we both continue to confront our own issues, then maybe there is a way. Or maybe there isn’t. But I’ll be damned if I will ever be hurried into something to keep other people happy.
I deserve the greatest love from and for myself. I deserve to be given the time and space I need.
So let’s stop the hurry. Let’s stop trying to fix. Let’s embrace the process. Let’s slow down. Take time. Be kind to ourselves. Be kind to each other. Allow ourselves to grow. Release the tears. Find out who we really are. Confront our fears. Work on our failings. Listen to the birds. Enjoy the coffee. Lie on the grass and stare at the sky. Let’s stop the hurry because we will be better for it. Let’s embrace the journey and take the time we need to heal instead of putting a band aid on an amputated limb and hoping it works.
Maybe you agree. Maybe you don’t. Would love to see your thoughts on this 🙂