God

Pink Steel Cap Butt Kicking Boots

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This is something I wrote three years ago. Before I decided to leave my husband. I was excited for 2020, but near the end of 2019 my world changed. Maybe I changed. The interesting this is that this is what I wrote. I am going to highlight all the things have have come true over the past three years for me. Ironic that I could write something and look back and see that perhaps those pink steel cap butt kicking boots actually booted my own backside – but so many things I was excited for came true in a way I never thought of, dreamed of, or imagined. Take a look:

“What would you think of if someone told you they bought pink boots? Cute? Sexy? Powerful?
Pink represents so many things – friendship, affection, harmony, inner peace, approachability.
Pink can be soft, but also vibrant. It can be tender, playful and strong. But these boots? My pink
steel cap butt kicking boots? I am so excited to own them because they represent a new story, a
new life.
The last 15 years or so, I have loved my jobs. Some have been more challenging than others.
There have been ones that ended well, and some I was pleased to escape from, but overall I have
met beautiful people. I have learnt as much about myself as I have work cultures and
management styles. Today is the end of full time work in the normal sense for me. It is the end of
bosses, the end of imposed time restrictions, deadlines and priorities. It is the end of being
confined to windowless offices, sitting at a desk working all day and again at night at home. It is
the end of being pulled in two directions, the end of being present for both, yet not ‘all in’ at either.
It is also the beginning. It is the beginning of a certain amount of freedom. Freedom to work
around family. Freedom to embrace a new career. Freedom to try new things, to bring change, to
work with people, and to create. It is the opportunity to build the dream life alongside my husband,
and to change the future for our children.
The boots aren’t about swapping heels for a trade site. They are about breakthrough. Change.
Challenge. Growth. Strength. Confidence. Faith. Hard work. Sweat. Tears. They are power over
doubt, they are belief for the future. Those pink steel cap butt kicking boots are victory in the face
of past defeats. Unafraid, they support when the ground is shaky and remain steady when life is
wobbly.
They say I’m ready! I am all in. I am planted. Firm. Solid. They will walk into places others fear to
tread. They are no longer hiding in the shadows. They say BRING IT ON!
With 2020 around the corner, my boots are poised to jump into the unknown. They will take back
ground, they will proclaim the goodness of God, and you can be sure, they will need to kick butt!
Joys of life often co-exist alongside the struggles. The biggest difference is the attitude we take to
it. I don’t know what 2020 holds for anyone else, but I’m bringing my butt kicking boots! “

I have just written a new mantra for my next three years. As I look back to this, I get excited. Clearly when I wrote this, I wasn’t intending on leaving my marriage. I was excited for what life could bring. But life worked out differently than I expected. As I have written a mantra for my next season – again a three year season, I know that what I now ‘see’ will be vastly different to what eventuates. The fact we can’t see the future is a gift. Yet, how wonderful to look back over the years and see your dreams come through, and God working through our life if we allow. I feel that there isn’t a lot of room for life to get much better, but I know there is much to learn, places to go, people to meet, and God will be there.

Divorce – The other side of the ordeal

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Covid. That is what most people think about when they think of 2020 to 2022. Not me. I think divorce. When I left my husband at the start of 2020, I could never have imagined the depths of what I was to walk through. In all fairness to him, he has really been pretty decent with the whole process. In fact, I’m not even sure he knows the divorce was finalised 5 months ago. I assume he does. My care factor is not high.

Almost three years since I first decided I would leave and I have been through so much. I walked through burn out, exhaustion, the inability to find a job with Covid having hit, potential homelessness, finding work, being hopeful for reconciliation, defeat in that, reconciling my faith with the reality of divorce, selling homes, buying a townhouse, lots of counselling, reconciling the parts of me that that needed healed, reconciling my flaws, finding myself on different ends of the spectrum and allowing myself time to find the trajectory for my life that is most authentic to me. Finally…. the other side…. and JOY. So much joy.

It isn’t that life is necessarily easy. There is always things going on and ups and downs. But I carry a joy, a peace, a contentment that I haven’t carried all my life. I know who I am. I know what I will accept in both a partner, and from myself. I know who I want to be. I know that God is faithful. I fail, but keep on moving forward.

If anyone had told me that life could be this wonderful, I would never have been able to grasp it, or even believe it. I’m so thankful for friends, for family, for God, for a great work environment. I would walk through the last three years again if the change was guaranteed to bring this much satisfaction with life. I laugh every day, I am lighter in spirit, I have no fear of the future – just possibilities – endless possibilities. I’m not waiting for anyone, I’m just living life to the fullest, and loving every second of it.

I know some people have awful battles over houses, money, children, and I’m so thankful I didn’t have that. There was definitely hard times in there to get to the divorce, but it grew my strength, it made me more courageous, and it increased my resilience. I learnt to let go of what I wished for. I gave space to grieve what I had longed for and never was, I gave space to heal the wounds, and allow Gods love to fill my heart, and I gave space for loneliness and despair when it was needed. God took all the hurts, and all the tears, and he has replaced them with a deep seated joy.

Just yesterday I was saying to a friend that my vase at home never seems to be empty of flowers these days. This year, they have come from all different places, but there is barely a week I don’t have a vase filled with fragrance and beauty. She said that maybe it was God lavishing his love upon me, reminding me that I am worthy of his gifts, and worthy of love, and kindness. I hadn’t thought about that, but how precious, and special to think that could be true.

The other side of the divorce – for me, it is like walking out of a dark tunnel into the most brilliant sunshine, where the sun shines brighter, and the raindrops fall softer. So, my friend, if you are about to leave your marriage, if you are in the midst of heartache, or despair – remember that joy will come in the morning. Don’t give up. It might take time, but one day, you will wake up and realise that you deserve to LIVE, not just exist, or survive, but truly live each day, with a smile on your face, and a deep joy in your heart. I can promise that if you do the work on your own heart, you will heal and come through as a new creation.

Bless ❤

When The Hammer Falls

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It’s been one of those moments, one of those weeks. I have to write it down. On May 16th the hammer fell. I wasn’t there to hear it, but I can picture it. As the judges gavel banged down, it was finished. It was over. 25 years of marriage, 2 years, 2 months of separation, over, done. It was final. Divorce application granted.

To be honest, I was at work. It was just another day. As I checked the courts online 5 minutes after the time of the hearing, the results were in. It was a relief. Done. Dusted. Closure. Until it wasn’t. I then learnt that here in Australia while the judge has signed off, the documents take one month and one day to be processed before the divorce is considered final. I walked that week in deep disappointment. Deep sadness. It was already a long, hard and tiring journey. I just needed it to be done.

Once I accepted that (it took about a week cause I was so focused on it), I realised that it didn’t make a difference. When she hit that gavel down, it was over. In the two weeks since, I have literally become a different person. The period of waiting is done. The new season I have been waiting for and longing for is upon me. These last two weeks it is like a spiritual force has been lifted. A weight has been taken from me. I am no longer tired, I no longer want to stay at home, I no longer want to be silent. I want to LIVE! But not just for me, for God. When I have tried to explain this, some people have told me that it is the freedom that makes me feel like this, or it is the release from the trauma and the closing of the chapter. It may be…. but it is also MORE.

The last two and a half years, and probably before that were like walking through quicksand. Once I made the decision to leave, there was the guilt, the sadness, the numbing pain. There was discouragement, then hope that maybe we could work it out, only to have the hopes dashed again. Then came the spiritual brokenness of being treated like I could be someone’s ‘bit on the side’, the unworthiness of more than one person’s offer of sexual pleasure, of which then they planned on going back home to their partner/wife. There was the search for a job during Covid, the renovating, the days and weeks spent painting, the selling of two houses, the stress of cleaning out everything, splitting funds, trying to find a new home in a booming market, finally the shift, and the time to settle down. It’s a lot. And doing it while you have five children, albeit adults, is still a LOT. I’m thankful for their understanding and support. Even after shifting, the first six weeks, I just wanted to rest. I was tired. I knew a new season was coming, but it didn’t feel like it was here. I just felt done.

But the last two weeks. Its hard to describe. I have had life, and hope. Whereas before I felt alone at church, suddenly I find myself in community there. Where I couldn’t find my place, God has brought not one, but two opportunities and places to serve him – one helping people with their finances, and another helping to lead a small women’s group. I have helped in a food truck feeding the homeless, I have visited friends, and I want to go and I don’t want to stop. I’m no longer surviving life, but I am beyond thriving.

A few nights ago I went to a prayer and worship night at church. My pastor prayed over me and had a word for me. He said that God was making a mosaic out of my life. That where I saw the brokenness, God was crafting it into something beautiful. He said that where I saw the mound of broken pieces, that actually they were already in place, and there were only a few more to go before the mosaic was finished and would be completed. He said to keep my focus on God, not on the rubble, because all that rubble was going to become a thing of beauty. To be honest, I was thinking to myself ‘hmmmm there really isn’t much left, I am feeling very healed’ – until a lady started praying for the men of the church. That they would rise up and be the men God wanted them to be, that they would be devoted to God and Godly husbands etc etc.

At this point I wanted to walk out. I couldn’t pray for them. I just felt my whole body tense up and react to these prayers. I asked God why as others also started praying for the men. I realised it was because I still view men as abusers, controlling, domineering, selfish, liars, and cheaters. It was a deep seated belief. (Like my son says – that is understandable). So in that moment I had to surrender to the idea that actually there was still some healing to be done. But God. Only God. Within two minutes one of the men started praying. He was praying for the same thing. But he said something in his prayer: “God I pray that the strength of men doesn’t come from the creases in their elbows, but by the bend in their knees.” This was and is truly a man of God. He knew that his strength had nothing to do with lifting weights, but everything to do with being on his knees in front of a living God. This was the very man I needed at this moment. He showed me there are men who don’t use their place to hurt, but use it to care. There were men who truly love God and spend their lives trying to honor him. There are men who pursue holiness, who crave righteousness, who want to live in God’s will, and His will only. So, it was a night of revelation and part healing all in one go. Since then I had two ladies who were there come with separate words the received from God over my life. It was so special.

But, back to my point. My days have suddenly changed. Where once I filled them with sleeping or tv, now I am filling them with people. Where once I dragged myself out of bed, now I get up with a sense of anticipation as to what the day might bring. Before I was struggling with studying God’s word and now I am craving it. Before I wondered when my new season would finally begin, and now I’m LIVING IT!

I am wanting to understand more about the spiritual significance of a divorce, but all I can believe is that the moment that hammer hit the wooden block, the old season was finished. The ties that bound me and kept me spiritually trapped were lifted off. I was released. I was free. Not just in body, or emotion, but spiritually free. The significance of the last two weeks, of so many things falling into place, of such a change in me, of the work God is doing in me, of going from what felt like nothing to being ~plonk~ in the middle of a new season. It can only be God.

We think a hammer falling is just a hammer falling. I’m convinced it was as much a spiritual release. It is over. It is done. It is finished. The future awaits and it has never seemed brighter. When the judge wields that hammer down, it truly is the end of the matter.

New Year, New Opportunity

/ Adele / Leave a comment

Way back (feels like forever ago) in 2019, I remember thinking about all the firsts and lasts that were happening. If I knew that at the end of 2021 I was still in the same house I’m not sure I would have coped. Its a good thing we don’t know the future. Yes, we might know parts of it, but we can’t predict what will transpire – who would have predicted Covid? Who would have predicted lockdowns, being jobless, facing homelessness? Not me, that is for sure.

As 2021 draws to a close, I have had 2 extra Christmases in my home than what I predicted. I don’t have the divorce papers in my hand yet, and I don’t have peace in that space. 2020 was certainly a downward spiral. I was lost, vulnerable, jobless during a pandemic, and at times soulless. My life was deconstructed to the nenth degree. Everything I knew. Marriage, myself, my family, my stability, my relationship with God. It was torn apart. Oh I lay bare so many times…. time where I could hardly face the next day. Days where I was consumed with anger, or sadness, or grief. By the end of 2020, I had every foundation rocked and I escaped bruised, battered and worn.

Walking into 2021 seemed to bring hope. And there was hope. I was wading through quicksand trying to find myself. Trying to align who I was with the actions I was taking. The who I was, who I wanted to be, and who I knew God wanted me to be were at war with each other. Now to be fair… I always gave myself 2-3 years to get myself together. I knew there would be work involved in healing. My goal was always to be healed and on life’s new trajectory by the time I was 50. Well, I have about 380 days to go or thereabouts…. and oh how gracious time is to us!

2021 has brought hope, and light, and a lot of change. From job changes, to housing sales and re-purchases, from marriage to babies… there has been a lot of change in my family. For me, its been like a long held sigh. Not a sigh of despair… but a sigh you relax into. One that at each step you see the ends, you embrace the closure of circumstances. Oh there have been times I have let myself down. Times I have stumbled and fallen. Times I have clung to a life raft… but there have been significant times of healing. Significant times where I could put the past to rest. Times I could forgive myself, where I could allow myself grace. There have been times of hard work, times of confusion, insecurity, trepidation. But most of all…. there has been this sense of moving forward. Not being stuck, but continually moving forward in who I am and in the circumstances.

2021 has seen a job surrounded by beautiful people. Ironically it is back at a place that held a lot of pain for me. I knew that God brought me back to heal those places that bled, and I’m so pleased he did. He has not only healed them, but placed a family around me. a place where friendships are old, but new, a place where people are genuine and lovely. I’m so thankful for that. He has placed me in a team that likes to have fun and is a good place to be. He has gifted me family. Children whose eyes have been opened to their father. Children who will come into bat for me. Children who have spent time renovating, giving me strength, holding me when I cried and encouraging me when I stumbled. Oh I am so thankful to God for wonderful children.

So as 2021 passes… I am thankful to God. For my family, for my job, for taking my hand and leading me through the year, for putting up with my impatience, for guiding my choices, and for healing so many parts of me. Last of all I’m so thankful for finance approval for my new place to live in 2022! What a way to end the year.

As I look forward to 2022, I know there will be times of hardship, there will be times I will be on my knees, but there is so much to look forward to. Firstly, the grandbaby coming in February. How can you not be excited about new life and a wonderful Mum and Dad for baby to be blessed by. I’m excited for moving, and all that comes with it. I’m excited for continued freedom and growth, and healing. I’m excited to go deeper with God, and to free up the space in my brain to soak in his presence, to linger with him.

In looking back, the last two years have been incredibly challenging. But I stand. I stand in God’s grace, in His love, and humbled by his compassion and forgiveness. I stand knowing I am loved by God, but also by family. I stand thankful for beautiful friends who have held my hand on this journey. I stand knowing that I am finding the me who was hidden for all these years. I stand knowing tomorrow will be better than yesterday. I stand knowing that I can move forward with strength and dignity. I stand thankful for my wonderful counsellor who has listened and inspired me to keep going. I stand looking forward, but being thankful for the hardships.

So thank you 2020 and 2021…. if I knew what you held I might have made different choices… but I’m so thankful for the future being somewhat a mystery and for the growth and strength that will come through it.

Happy New Year to everyone out there. May 2022 bring you strength, growth and contentment.

❤ Dellie

My God.

/ Adele / 1 Comment

I am 48 years old.

Life is fashioned by mountains and valleys, some valleys caused by our own failures, some by others.

But God. His faithfulness.

I live with little regret. Not because I don’t wish I had chosen different paths at times, but because I have learnt – because I know forgiveness, I have experienced grace, because I know my life is worth nothing except through His eyes and His heart.

Just as Covid hit, I left my husband. I was jobless, threatened with homelessness, broken. I am so thankful for my adult children who loved me through the deepest despair and the ache I carried. I’m so thankful to God who provided a job, who still has me housed, who has brought peace through this process.

And now, I am learning to linger. To embrace the joy in His presence. To wait on his voice. To let his love sprinkle down and wash over me, refresh me, sustain me.

And as I complete this healing phase of the journey… all that was broken is ready to be poured out to Gods women. To be an ear, but mostly to point them to the one who loves to linger with us. The one who walks beside our rippling streams, the one whose love is in the leaves that fall, whose tears are in the rain, and whose faithfulness is in the stars.

God. The kinsman-redeemer. My God.

Arise My Daughter

/ Adele / Leave a comment

I had a ‘moment’ this morning. You know the ones where you realise God is right there beside you, loving you, encouraging you.

I was at staff meeting. I am in a privileged position of working at a church. I say privileged because I have always worked for not-for-profit or ministry organisations, except for last year. I spent seven months working in an Aged Care home. I loved that too, but I was so thankful to be able to once again be the hands and feet in a ministry area. I’m just in the office, but I love it.

One of the hardest things of coming to work here was that there was a lot of history here. My husband and I had both worked her prior. A lot of people know him and obviously know him differently to me. He is quite charismatic, and can be lots of fun. I was mostly known a T’s wife. Coming back, everyone has been so supportive and kind, and encouraging to me. I’m so thankful for that.

But this morning…. we had staff meeting. After some worship, our Pastor asked us to close our eyes and stay in the moment. Then he asked us to imagine if Jesus came and sat beside us. What would he say to us? How would we feel? Cue the tears!!

I could see him, I could feel him right there beside me. His presence and overwhelming love for me radiated from him. He loved me when my sins were like scarlet, and he loved me when I was struggling, and while I ran away from him. He just loved me. As I sat there, I felt him simply say Árise my daughter’. Interpreted by me as – be bold, be strong. This is the beginning, not the end. I have a purpose for you. Break out of your chains. Stand up. Stand tall. Stand strong. I am here. The burdens you have been carrying are in the past. The time is now. My time is now.

Practically , I’m not sure what is next. But my shoulders have squared, my chin has lifted, and I’m ready to walk into a new, bold season. But I will arise. I will not be chained to my past.

“Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD rises upon you” Isaiah 60:1

❤

Dear Mr X (Part one)

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Dear Mr X,

So much has happened the last 15 months. I wish I had written more. The hurts, the disappointments, the hopes, the dreams, and finally the resolve.

I struggled with our break up. After years of hearing how much God hates divorce, I berated myself and beat myself up because I just didn’t have it in me anymore to try. The brokenness. The longing for a dream that will never be a reality. And finally a resolve. A resolve that I am loved by God. That I deserve to be noticed, I deserve to be important, I deserve to be free. Oh it hurts my heart that it could not be us, and the letting go has been a mix of push and pull, of inside knowing we are over but allowing the guilt to wash over me in waves. The days of missing the good that we had, but knowing unless I was doing all the work and the sacrificing there was very little holding us together.

Do I miss you? Sometimes yes. I miss having someone to go out for coffee with. I miss being a ‘family’. I miss planning a holiday and knowing I will have someone by my side. I miss having someone to discuss the kids with.

It’s scary out here alone. I have had to learn to relax and let go and let God. Trusting God has been hard because I sometimes feel he let me down. But it wasn’t him was it. It was me letting me down, or you letting me down.

I have struggled to get it right. And I have done so much wrong throughout our break up. More than anyone knows. I got messed up because a ‘good Christian man’ tried to (didn’t) take advantage of me, and it led me down a massive black hole away from God. I’m still trying to claw my way out of it. To find my freedom. I’m fighting for me all over again and it’s tough. The worst thing was when I told you what happened, when I told you what he had said to me, what he had asked me to be involved in – you blamed me. You blamed me – I was a victim of his desires. But you told me it must have been my fault. I must have done something to lead him on. Yet I had NO idea he had any thoughts of me, and in fact had hardly talked to him. I still can’t believe you said those things. I told you how much it messed me up. Another Christian man letting me down. I got to a point where I didn’t ever want to look at a Christian man again, let alone trust them.

Do I wish I didn’t leave our marriage? Sadly no. There is so much of life ahead, and even though it’s scary and uncertain, I can finally see hope again. I can see sunny days and fun coming.

Recently you told me how much you wanted me back. How much you had changed. But have you? (Not really) And does it even matter? It is too late. I left our marriage utterly broken – mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. The first couple of months after I told you I couldn’t do it anymore I slept. Like four sleeps during the day. Not to escape, but because I was absolutely exhausted.

Years of trying, working, being a wife and Mum, and doing 90% of it alone broke me. Much like the lies and broken promises. I was scared to move away with you. It didn’t feel a safe place. I couldn’t leave our kids behind – they are my world, and I’m so thankful for them. Looking back, with all that happened I’m so pleased I didn’t move away with you. I would have become more broken, more disheartened.

It makes my heart sad that our marriage wasn’t a safe place. It wasn’t a place I could be honest. It wasn’t a place I could have friends. It wasn’t a place of joy and laughter. It wasn’t a place of love.

It was a place of control. I didn’t even realise the extent until I left. Every decision, every message, every time I saw a friend – there were constant questions, constant text messages, phone calls. Everything I did outside of home I always worried I would be late and upset you. I walked on eggshells to keep you ‘happy’. I always did things so not to irritate you, so you wouldn’t sulk, you wouldn’t not talk to me, so you wouldn’t take away from the good time I had because you thought I should be home with you.

That isn’t a marriage. That is control. It isn’t freedom, it’s a prison. You kept me bound to you in unhealthy ways. You manipulated and used me so your life would be how you wanted it. You broke so many of my friendships over the years simply because you didn’t want to share me with anyone, because you were jealous, because you need to control.

Since we broke up – which I remind you – was at a time I had given up work to work for you… Covid hit right at my final decision. For 3 months I looked for work, all the time still doing your business work. I took out my super to pay our bills, and you would yell at me for using ‘your’ money to pay our mortgage and buy groceries for me and your children for the two months I couldn’t support them.

Since July last year when I started working, I have covered everything – the mortgage, the power, food for our kids because one was still at school and the other two had no jobs due to Covid. A year later and the last two months has finally seen all three of them employed. That whole time you never offered any support to me. Not once did you come up and buy groceries, or pay a mortgage payment. Not once did you ask if I needed anything. You just left it to me, even though you were earning about 30-40% more than I do. You even left your dog here from Christmas (without telling me) and never once paid for any food for her unless I asked you to buy her some – which has probably been twice.

You go from saying one minute you want a divorce to saying you desperately want me back. Sometimes you are compelling. Sometimes I want to believe you. But time has shown they are just words. Like I should have expected anything to change.

You tell me you have changed. When I asked you what you had done to get me back over the past 15 months, your answer was ‘I have worked on me’. Say what?? It must be nice to live 1000km away and only have yourself to worry about…. But there has never been anything but words for me to believe you actually want me back.

If I’m honest I don’t think anything you could have done would have worked. But you have done nothing. Not a nicely worded letter, not a bunch of flowers, not an offer to help with anything. So tell me how you’ve changed? How you are willing to work to get me back?

This year I decided it was better to try be friends than hate each other. But it gave you hope. Every time you came up to help finish the house you complained, and then tried to get in my bed. At one stage I let you sleep in my bed because the others were all taken, on the strict rule that there was to be nothing sexual between us. But you always tried to kiss me, and then there was the night I woke to your hands down my pants. That wasn’t ok. I had told you I was off limits. It’s called sexual assault. I felt so dirty and violated. Yes you apologised the next morning, but apologies mean nothing because YOU want what you want and will disrespect anyone’s boundaries to get it. No one else matters. Not only have you been with other women since we broke up, but I explicitly said no. You violated my trust, my good will and my body. So tell me again how you have changed?

You have had two relationships since we broke up. One six weeks later when DD1 was living with you. You brought your new woman into your house and were kissing her in front of DD1 and was sleeping with her. SIX weeks after we parted. DD1 had gone down to be with you because she was afraid you might kill your self after my decision to leave, and this is what she got.

Then at Christmas you again found someone (I don’t even know what you have done in between), and within a month had introduced her to your girls. You were the best dad then because you were trying to prove to your new piece what a good relationship you had with your children. Until your boys didn’t want anything to do with it, and then I came back on the scene and you tried to dump your girlfriend, but DD1 ended up having to set the record straight instead. The thing is – I truly don’t care if you find another woman. But by golly I do mind when you bring my kids into it. There is no respect. Have a relationship and once you know it’s something special and it has lasted for a time, then introduce them… not in the first few weeks. It’s hard to see my kids hurt unnecessarily because of your selfishness.

Recently when you were about to come up I had two friends separately say to me that I change when you are here and it takes at least a week or two before I become my happy bubbly self again. I think that is telling. I hadn’t noticed and I’m so thankful for friends who speak the truth. But it’s true. It’s like a weight is upon me. I still slip into the ‘keep you happy’ mode. But inside I’m dying and counting the days till you go.

All of the above has set my resolve that we are over. The last time you came up I asked you for two things – to buy some dog food, and to put the trailer you brought up down the back of the yard. You were here for 5 days and did neither. Sigh. So tell me how you have changed? And tell me how much you want me back?

Your world is about you and you only. You bought a new jet-ski and had to bring it up to show it off. The last time you came up with a $1500 electric scooter – to show everyone what you have. The truth is, you have a two bedroom granny flat 1000km away and a tethered relationship with your children. I have almost nothing material, but I know my kids love me and would do anything for me. That is all I need.

I’m so looking forward to getting this house sold. There is a great future ahead of me. One of laughter and sunshine and Jesus and freedom. I’m so close I can almost smell it now. I recently found a new job which I love and I’m incredibly settled in already. I’m repairing my relationship with God and I finally have hope for the future. Hope of a new place – one I can honour God in. Hope of a peaceful settled life where I have friends and family around me. Hope that I am now in a true healing phase and that I can walk through it confidently and become whole.

Oh I am so pleased I have gone on this journey. After 25 years of marriage it has been the toughest and hardest thing to do, but I am so pleased the last 15 months are behind me and my future is before me.

I can’t even say I love you any more. I care. You will always be the father of 4/5 of my kids and I care that you are there for them. But that is your relationship to figure out.

There is freedom in resolve. Thought out, observant, truthful resolve. Not based on emotion, but fact. I can thank you for the good times we shared, but am so relieved to be free.

Yours

Dellie Claire

Hurry Hurry Hurry….Quick Quick Quick

/ Adele / Leave a comment

Why are we always in such a hurry to fix things?

There are a lot of people who want me to ‘fix’ my marriage. And they want to see it happen quickly. Imagine… if I don’t … for some reason it seems it would be ok for my husband to find someone else because ‘he has needs’. Excuuuse me?!

But no. I won’t fix my marriage fast. I may not fix it at all. After 25 years, there are a lot of issues. If by chance we do get back together, we probably have 25-30 years left together. So what’s the hurry? If it takes us 1-2 years to work through things does it matter? If we do it and do it well, isn’t it better than rushing it and ending up in the same place with the same bad habits, the same perceptions, the same ‘us’? Isn’t it kinder to give ourselves room to grow? Isn’t it kinder to really think things through and see where life takes us rather than pushing on because we ‘should’ be together? Because honestly – maybe we shouldn’t!

Hubby had a ‘come to Jesus’ moment and it seemed as though maybe we should and could work it out. Within a matter of days and weeks we were set to get back together and build a house and sail off into the sunset on our jet skis. The dream was dreamt, the fantasy was set. All we had to do was have the borders open, our current houses sell and off we would go. 3-6 months. All this year would be done and dusted and we could start afresh.

Except we can’t.

WE are still the same people. And part of that same is the ability to get caught up in a dream, forgetting everything else until the dream isn’t the fantasy we expected and life becomes harder because we went off on a wing and a prayer.

So with nothing changed except the ‘come to Jesus’ moment… really nothing changes. What drove me away before will do so again. Talk of work work work, running a business, feeling invisible, always being put second or third or fourth, feeling let down, caring but not truly loving him, physical contact still making me feel like cringing, my marriage not being a place of safety, strength and rest, not feeling respected. You see, I’m still wavering. My mind tells me I ‘should’ be there. I would make him happy, my kids happy, other people happy…. but I know deep down my heart does not want it. I want the dream… who wouldn’t, but I don’t want it with him. How very sad. How very lonely. I don’t hate him at all. I want the best for him and I can’t give him the best.

It’s easy to go back. So much is familiar. So much is comfortable even in it’s uncomfortableness. But don’t we both deserve better?

This is an excerpt from a text a dear friend sent me last week…

You see…. he wants what is best for me. He knows I deserve to be respected, to be special. He knows I deserve to be loved. He knows me enough to know how hard it is for me to let my guard down. He knows I shouldn’t settle for anything less than the best. He knows me so personally – in fact even from 3000 miles away he knows my faults, my weaknesses, and how I should be treated. Sometimes I forget what I deserve. I’m not yet ready to look for anyone else, but you can bet if that time comes I will remind myself of what I need to do.

Right now I waver back and forth. I don’t know what I want with my husband. But you know what? I’m ok with that. People think we need to fix things ‘now’, but we don’t. Sometimes we need to sit in the process. We need to take time. We need counselling. We need self development. We need space. We need freedom. We need wonder and grace to do life our way. Sometimes we need to lose ourselves in order to find ourselves.

If that means my husband has to wait… then he has a choice. He can love me in the waiting or he can go look for a bit of skirt somewhere else. I have needs to, but they are secondary to the rest of it. If I’m not worth the wait, then I never was worth enough to him. But if we can both self examine, both seek counsel and forgiveness, if we both continue to confront our own issues, then maybe there is a way. Or maybe there isn’t. But I’ll be damned if I will ever be hurried into something to keep other people happy.

I deserve the greatest love from and for myself. I deserve to be given the time and space I need.

So let’s stop the hurry. Let’s stop trying to fix. Let’s embrace the process. Let’s slow down. Take time. Be kind to ourselves. Be kind to each other. Allow ourselves to grow. Release the tears. Find out who we really are. Confront our fears. Work on our failings. Listen to the birds. Enjoy the coffee. Lie on the grass and stare at the sky. Let’s stop the hurry because we will be better for it. Let’s embrace the journey and take the time we need to heal instead of putting a band aid on an amputated limb and hoping it works.

Maybe you agree. Maybe you don’t. Would love to see your thoughts on this 🙂

Healing

/ Adele / Leave a comment

Healing can be a painful process. Sometimes you cut deep. Sometimes you are surprised by the truth you find when you search for it.

Healing means being brave enough to feel the emotions and strong enough to allow yourself time to process them. Healing doesn’t happen overnight. It is a journey. It’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to be honest with yourself. It’s ok to grieve, to cry, to be angry. It’s ok to feel defeated.

You only have to put one step in front of another. Take one moment at a time. Show yourself tenderness. Be kind to your soul. Keep walking. Trust God even when you can’t.

One day you will think you have healed, another day you won’t be able to see past your puffy eyes. But… healing will come and you will be changed…. a little lighter, a little more compassionate, a little more raw, open and kinder.

Embrace the season through your pain because your journey becomes your story.

Dear Christian Friend…

/ Adele / Leave a comment

I value you, or I wouldn’t have shared my story with you. I love you because of your beautiful heart and love for God. I treasure you because you make me feel known by you. Or you did. Until now. Until I told you I left my husband.

I shared my story, I poured out my heart and you said you would pray for us. I knew you would, but please don’t pray for reconciliation. There will be none. My only prayer is this does not happen. I am scared of being forced back into a marriage of loneliness, control and where my soul dies every day.

I thought you knew me, but I find myself wondering. You send me words and yes I hear your beautiful heart for Gods best – but don’t you think that is what I have searched for? What I have strived for? The reason I have put so much energy and so many years into this marriage?

Do you think I have left him on a whim? Do you think I haven’t spent 25 years hoping God would truly be the foundation of our marriage? Do you think I haven’t used up 100% of my emotional, mental and spiritual energy?

Friend – I am exhausted. I have been bullied, disrespected, unloved, and made to feel invisible. I am giving by nature. Do you not think I have given all I have and more to this?

Dear Christian Friend – when you say you pray we get back together I hear you saying it’s ok for me to be treated badly. You are saying it’s ok for my health to suffer. You are saying it’s ok for me to be unloved. When you say God wants us back together, I hear it’s ok for me not to matter, and it’s ok to live a lie.

Why is that? Is it because if we stayed married it makes you feel better? Do you think it will make God love us more? Or does he love me less now? Does it make us better people because we ‘hung in there’. Do you believe that God can restore me as an individual or will I forever be a let down because I will be divorced?

I know you mean well, but dear friend, please do not heap more shame, guilt and failure upon me. I have put enough on myself. I do not need your judgements or your ‘Godly’ advice because my heart is broken that God was only talk and not action for the past 25 years in my marriage. Do you not think I want to honour God too? Why does it appear to bring more honour to God by living a lie, than it does by being honest?

Dear Christian Friend, I can acknowledge my own failings. I acknowledge I am not perfect and I have messed up more times than I can count. But right now, I stand in front of you a shell of the person God created me to be. I stand in front of you tired and worn down. I stand here without hope. I stand here needing your loving kindness, not your ideals.

So dear friend – please change your language. Please try a different way to communicate with me. Maybe say:

‘I know if must have taken a lot for you to get to this point. I am sure it has taken massive amounts of courage for you to make this call. My heart breaks for you. How can I be of most help to you? How can I pray for you?’

My friend, I love you. And right now I am sensitive and vulnerable. I need your support. I need you to show me that God still looks at me tenderly. I need your prayers. More than ever I need you to pray for healing and gentleness for me, my husband and my children.

My Dear Christian Friend…. I have been you. I know you mean well. But you are hurting me. You may not be able to walk a mile in my shoes, but please, please open your arms with gentleness and love. Please love with tenderness and compassion.

Your reaction is more important than you know.

Love me,

Your friend who is separated and searching for God in the shipwreck. ❤️