Pink Steel Cap Butt Kicking Boots

This is something I wrote three years ago. Before I decided to leave my husband. I was excited for 2020, but near the end of 2019 my world changed. Maybe I changed. The interesting this is that this is what I wrote. I am going to highlight all the things have have come true over the past three years for me. Ironic that I could write something and look back and see that perhaps those pink steel cap butt kicking boots actually booted my own backside – but so many things I was excited for came true in a way I never thought of, dreamed of, or imagined. Take a look:

What would you think of if someone told you they bought pink boots? Cute? Sexy? Powerful?
Pink represents so many things – friendship, affection, harmony, inner peace, approachability.
Pink can be soft, but also vibrant. It can be tender, playful and strong. But these boots? My pink
steel cap butt kicking boots? I am so excited to own them because they represent a new story, a
new life.

The last 15 years or so, I have loved my jobs. Some have been more challenging than others.
There have been ones that ended well, and some I was pleased to escape from, but overall I have
met beautiful people. I have learnt as much about myself as I have work cultures and
management styles. Today is the end of full time work in the normal sense for me. It is the end of
bosses, the end of imposed time restrictions, deadlines and priorities. It is the end of being
confined to windowless offices, sitting at a desk working all day and again at night at home. It is
the end of being pulled in two directions, the end of being present for both, yet not ‘all in’ at either.
It is also the beginning. It is the beginning of a certain amount of freedom. Freedom to work
around family. Freedom to embrace a new career. Freedom to try new things, to bring change, to
work with people, and to create.
It is the opportunity to build the dream life alongside my husband,
and to change the future for our children.
The boots aren’t about swapping heels for a trade site. They are about breakthrough. Change.
Challenge. Growth. Strength. Confidence. Faith. Hard work. Sweat. Tears. They are power over
doubt, they are belief for the future. Those pink steel cap butt kicking boots are victory in the face
of past defeats. Unafraid, they support when the ground is shaky and remain steady when life is
wobbly.

They say I’m ready! I am all in. I am planted. Firm. Solid. They will walk into places others fear to
tread. They are no longer hiding in the shadows. They say BRING IT ON!

With 2020 around the corner, my boots are poised to jump into the unknown. They will take back
ground, they will proclaim the goodness of God, and you can be sure, they will need to kick butt!
Joys of life often co-exist alongside the struggles.
The biggest difference is the attitude we take to
it.
I don’t know what 2020 holds for anyone else, but I’m bringing my butt kicking boots! “

I have just written a new mantra for my next three years. As I look back to this, I get excited. Clearly when I wrote this, I wasn’t intending on leaving my marriage. I was excited for what life could bring. But life worked out differently than I expected. As I have written a mantra for my next season – again a three year season, I know that what I now ‘see’ will be vastly different to what eventuates. The fact we can’t see the future is a gift. Yet, how wonderful to look back over the years and see your dreams come through, and God working through our life if we allow. I feel that there isn’t a lot of room for life to get much better, but I know there is much to learn, places to go, people to meet, and God will be there.

Divorce – The other side of the ordeal

Covid. That is what most people think about when they think of 2020 to 2022. Not me. I think divorce. When I left my husband at the start of 2020, I could never have imagined the depths of what I was to walk through. In all fairness to him, he has really been pretty decent with the whole process. In fact, I’m not even sure he knows the divorce was finalised 5 months ago. I assume he does. My care factor is not high.

Almost three years since I first decided I would leave and I have been through so much. I walked through burn out, exhaustion, the inability to find a job with Covid having hit, potential homelessness, finding work, being hopeful for reconciliation, defeat in that, reconciling my faith with the reality of divorce, selling homes, buying a townhouse, lots of counselling, reconciling the parts of me that that needed healed, reconciling my flaws, finding myself on different ends of the spectrum and allowing myself time to find the trajectory for my life that is most authentic to me. Finally…. the other side…. and JOY. So much joy.

It isn’t that life is necessarily easy. There is always things going on and ups and downs. But I carry a joy, a peace, a contentment that I haven’t carried all my life. I know who I am. I know what I will accept in both a partner, and from myself. I know who I want to be. I know that God is faithful. I fail, but keep on moving forward.

If anyone had told me that life could be this wonderful, I would never have been able to grasp it, or even believe it. I’m so thankful for friends, for family, for God, for a great work environment. I would walk through the last three years again if the change was guaranteed to bring this much satisfaction with life. I laugh every day, I am lighter in spirit, I have no fear of the future – just possibilities – endless possibilities. I’m not waiting for anyone, I’m just living life to the fullest, and loving every second of it.

I know some people have awful battles over houses, money, children, and I’m so thankful I didn’t have that. There was definitely hard times in there to get to the divorce, but it grew my strength, it made me more courageous, and it increased my resilience. I learnt to let go of what I wished for. I gave space to grieve what I had longed for and never was, I gave space to heal the wounds, and allow Gods love to fill my heart, and I gave space for loneliness and despair when it was needed. God took all the hurts, and all the tears, and he has replaced them with a deep seated joy.

Just yesterday I was saying to a friend that my vase at home never seems to be empty of flowers these days. This year, they have come from all different places, but there is barely a week I don’t have a vase filled with fragrance and beauty. She said that maybe it was God lavishing his love upon me, reminding me that I am worthy of his gifts, and worthy of love, and kindness. I hadn’t thought about that, but how precious, and special to think that could be true.

The other side of the divorce – for me, it is like walking out of a dark tunnel into the most brilliant sunshine, where the sun shines brighter, and the raindrops fall softer. So, my friend, if you are about to leave your marriage, if you are in the midst of heartache, or despair – remember that joy will come in the morning. Don’t give up. It might take time, but one day, you will wake up and realise that you deserve to LIVE, not just exist, or survive, but truly live each day, with a smile on your face, and a deep joy in your heart. I can promise that if you do the work on your own heart, you will heal and come through as a new creation.

Bless ❤

An Orchestra of Sound

The roar of cheers in a stadium, to the shrill scream of fear, the deep manly husk, to the carefree belly laugh.  We are surrounded by noise, and stunned by silence.  An orchestra of sound clangs in our waking ears and whispers in our sleeping moments.

We are always searching for more.  Something new.  Something better.  Something to replace the old with louder, more intense beats.  We are never satisfied with silence, never content to stop, to be still.  We are always reaching, clambering, fighting, begging for more.  More money, more fulfilment, more love, more sex, more career advancement, more, more, more…  We get caught up in the world, in the season of children, sports, taxi driving, bills, church, community events.  We fill our lives with ‘us’, with others.  We pressure ourselves, and put unrealistic expectations on others.  We stuff our feelings away with the busy, the hectic, the noise, and somehow take pride in it.  We live for tomorrow, instead of enjoying today’s moments.  We are never satisfied because tomorrow never arrives.  So we continue the clang.  We strive to be heard above the roar of the city streets, and noticed amongst the rush of the subway.

Have we all forgotten the sound of silence?  Have we forgotten the sound of the soul?  So many of us are searching for ourselves amongst the noise, but if we stop would we find ourselves in the melody of silence?

Perhaps it’s time we hushed the noise.  Perhaps its time we took minutes to listen to the sound of our heart.  To listen to the tiny whispers inside us instead of the continued gongs that dominate our lives.

What if we found release?  What if we found we all had a happy spot deep down inside of us that we have forgotten?  What if we found the cause of the emptiness we feel? What if we found answers?  What if we found purpose?  Motivation?  Understanding? Joy?

What if we found peace?

What if we found our hands lovingly dancing over the piano of our lives?  What if we see dark notes interspersed with the light ones, and realize they create a beauty, a melody, a fragrance.  What if we realized beauty is not found in flash cars, and nice houses, but beauty is found in friendships and love?  What if we watched fingers caress the darkness, and break out into sunshine?  What if we allowed ourselves to be swept up in the magic of melody and drenched in the sound of silence?

What if we all took a moment and changed the repeating clang in our head to a tune that captivates our soul?

This world is an orchestra of sound, and largely we get choose the melody we dance to. What tune are you going to dance to today?

The Pendulum of Time

I just came across this. I wrote it in Sept 2020. Its good advice. I took my time. I didn’t hurry the process. I’m pleased I didn’t. Disentanglement takes time. The answers did come. My life today is much more than I could have dreamed of or imagined. There is nothing magical about it, yet everything is magical. If you find yourself in here somewhere, don’t be afraid to give yourself the gift of time:

So much has happened since I last posted and I hope to catch up soon. I’m currently in a weird place where the pendulum is swinging both ways.

It can be confusing. Unsettling. Where will I be in a years time? Is this too hard? Will I be single forever? Can my husband and I work things out? If we do, can I ever truly be happy with him?

As one thing falls into place, it seems another changes. Tick. Tick. Tick. The pendulum swings. We get on, we are friends. Tick. Tick. Tick. I can’t do this. I don’t like him. Tick. Tick. This is too hard. Tick. I want what we can do together. Tick. Tick. What does God require of me? Tick. Tick… and on it goes.

I have come to a place that tomorrow doesn’t matter. I only need to have today sorted out, next week sorted. Not next month, or next year. It will sort itself and no amount of worrying about it will change it.

I get to choose. I don’t have to stay with my husband. Is it good for me to stay and better for me to leave? Or is it good for me to leave and better for me to stay?

I don’t have the answers. There is no crystal ball. There is good, there is God and there is also choice. But there is no hurry. I’m not looking for a replacement. I’m not looking for a fling, or some love. I’m taking care of me. Looking after my relationship with God. And the answers will come.

With hubby stuck behind closed borders we can’t see each other. This is a good thing. Space is a good thing. Time to change is a good thing. Time to talk with no expectations is a good thing. There is no rush. If we decide we have nothing to pursue then that is ok. We will be ok. If we go down the road of reconciliation that is also ok. But right now the most precious thing we have is time.

Time to become the best versions of ourselves. Time to explore life alone. Time to reflect and recharge. Time to dig deep and heal hurts.

Nothing will be wasted. The pendulum is swinging, but one day it will be still. We will have our answers. And we will both be ok whatever our future looks like.

Sometimes others want answers of us. But we need to quieten their voices. If we can spend 25 years fighting for a marriage together, then a year or two years apart to decide if we can do another 25 years doesn’t matter.

We have time. Don’t let anyone hurry you. You won’t miss out on anything. You will be pleased for the investment into yourself. You will be pleased you took as long as you needed. Your future will be better for it.

So breathe. Slow down. Take time. Inhale. Exhale. Become at peace within yourself and your joy come. One step at a time is all that is required. So give yourself the gift of time. For you. For your heart. For your soul. For your future.

Go with the pendulum swings until the day your future becomes clear. Don’t be afraid. The answers will come.

Bless.. ❤️

When The Hammer Falls

It’s been one of those moments, one of those weeks. I have to write it down. On May 16th the hammer fell. I wasn’t there to hear it, but I can picture it. As the judges gavel banged down, it was finished. It was over. 25 years of marriage, 2 years, 2 months of separation, over, done. It was final. Divorce application granted.

To be honest, I was at work. It was just another day. As I checked the courts online 5 minutes after the time of the hearing, the results were in. It was a relief. Done. Dusted. Closure. Until it wasn’t. I then learnt that here in Australia while the judge has signed off, the documents take one month and one day to be processed before the divorce is considered final. I walked that week in deep disappointment. Deep sadness. It was already a long, hard and tiring journey. I just needed it to be done.

Once I accepted that (it took about a week cause I was so focused on it), I realised that it didn’t make a difference. When she hit that gavel down, it was over. In the two weeks since, I have literally become a different person. The period of waiting is done. The new season I have been waiting for and longing for is upon me. These last two weeks it is like a spiritual force has been lifted. A weight has been taken from me. I am no longer tired, I no longer want to stay at home, I no longer want to be silent. I want to LIVE! But not just for me, for God. When I have tried to explain this, some people have told me that it is the freedom that makes me feel like this, or it is the release from the trauma and the closing of the chapter. It may be…. but it is also MORE.

The last two and a half years, and probably before that were like walking through quicksand. Once I made the decision to leave, there was the guilt, the sadness, the numbing pain. There was discouragement, then hope that maybe we could work it out, only to have the hopes dashed again. Then came the spiritual brokenness of being treated like I could be someone’s ‘bit on the side’, the unworthiness of more than one person’s offer of sexual pleasure, of which then they planned on going back home to their partner/wife. There was the search for a job during Covid, the renovating, the days and weeks spent painting, the selling of two houses, the stress of cleaning out everything, splitting funds, trying to find a new home in a booming market, finally the shift, and the time to settle down. It’s a lot. And doing it while you have five children, albeit adults, is still a LOT. I’m thankful for their understanding and support. Even after shifting, the first six weeks, I just wanted to rest. I was tired. I knew a new season was coming, but it didn’t feel like it was here. I just felt done.

But the last two weeks. Its hard to describe. I have had life, and hope. Whereas before I felt alone at church, suddenly I find myself in community there. Where I couldn’t find my place, God has brought not one, but two opportunities and places to serve him – one helping people with their finances, and another helping to lead a small women’s group. I have helped in a food truck feeding the homeless, I have visited friends, and I want to go and I don’t want to stop. I’m no longer surviving life, but I am beyond thriving.

A few nights ago I went to a prayer and worship night at church. My pastor prayed over me and had a word for me. He said that God was making a mosaic out of my life. That where I saw the brokenness, God was crafting it into something beautiful. He said that where I saw the mound of broken pieces, that actually they were already in place, and there were only a few more to go before the mosaic was finished and would be completed. He said to keep my focus on God, not on the rubble, because all that rubble was going to become a thing of beauty. To be honest, I was thinking to myself ‘hmmmm there really isn’t much left, I am feeling very healed’ – until a lady started praying for the men of the church. That they would rise up and be the men God wanted them to be, that they would be devoted to God and Godly husbands etc etc.

At this point I wanted to walk out. I couldn’t pray for them. I just felt my whole body tense up and react to these prayers. I asked God why as others also started praying for the men. I realised it was because I still view men as abusers, controlling, domineering, selfish, liars, and cheaters. It was a deep seated belief. (Like my son says – that is understandable). So in that moment I had to surrender to the idea that actually there was still some healing to be done. But God. Only God. Within two minutes one of the men started praying. He was praying for the same thing. But he said something in his prayer: “God I pray that the strength of men doesn’t come from the creases in their elbows, but by the bend in their knees.” This was and is truly a man of God. He knew that his strength had nothing to do with lifting weights, but everything to do with being on his knees in front of a living God. This was the very man I needed at this moment. He showed me there are men who don’t use their place to hurt, but use it to care. There were men who truly love God and spend their lives trying to honor him. There are men who pursue holiness, who crave righteousness, who want to live in God’s will, and His will only. So, it was a night of revelation and part healing all in one go. Since then I had two ladies who were there come with separate words the received from God over my life. It was so special.

But, back to my point. My days have suddenly changed. Where once I filled them with sleeping or tv, now I am filling them with people. Where once I dragged myself out of bed, now I get up with a sense of anticipation as to what the day might bring. Before I was struggling with studying God’s word and now I am craving it. Before I wondered when my new season would finally begin, and now I’m LIVING IT!

I am wanting to understand more about the spiritual significance of a divorce, but all I can believe is that the moment that hammer hit the wooden block, the old season was finished. The ties that bound me and kept me spiritually trapped were lifted off. I was released. I was free. Not just in body, or emotion, but spiritually free. The significance of the last two weeks, of so many things falling into place, of such a change in me, of the work God is doing in me, of going from what felt like nothing to being ~plonk~ in the middle of a new season. It can only be God.

We think a hammer falling is just a hammer falling. I’m convinced it was as much a spiritual release. It is over. It is done. It is finished. The future awaits and it has never seemed brighter. When the judge wields that hammer down, it truly is the end of the matter.

Roadblocks and Obstacles

What is standing in my way right now to becoming the authentic me? Not just the authentic me, but the me I dream of being. Who even is that person? What does she look like, sound like, feel like? There are many things I could write in here. I could say its my life, I’m about to shift house, I’m going through a divorce, I’m tired (a favourite), being overweight blah blah… But the truth is – the biggest obstacle in my life is my mind. Everything seems and feels so hard sometimes. I am very self aware, and with that also comes a lot of thinking about self, often critical thinking which leads to being hard on myself and talking down to myself.

To be honest, often fear and lack of motivation hold me back from being me. Firstly fear – what if people reject me. That hurts my heart. It is easy to say I don’t care, but the truth is that most of us want other people to like us. If I could list a load of roadblocks and then the offset of those perhaps it will change how I look at things… lets give it a go:

Fear – Do things anyway. Be brave. Have courage. Its true that most things we are afraid of don’t eventuate in the way we anticipate – so why not look at life with positive anticipation and walk boldly into the next season.

Motivation – To a point, I am lazy. I am more externally motivated than internally motivated. So lets set some goals. Lets find external motivating factors that will put me on the path to freedom in my life.

Shifiting house – so much of what I want to be or want to do involves this move. This move signifies the end of my marriage. It signifies a new season of moving forward, and that is exciting. The truth is, I won’t change, my motivations won’t change, and my weight won’t miraculously change by shifting house. The shift needs to be in my mind. So why not start with resetting my mind now. Lets start with setting small attainable goals I can build on once I shift home, rather than be disappointed that nothing has changed once I shift homes.

My divorce. I really am so disappointed my my ex-husband. Disappointed that he really hasn’t learnt anything. He still fabricates the truth, he still manipulates people, and he still chases the almighty dollar. I can’t change that. I also can’t change that he didn’t sign the divorce papers even though he promised he would. That too disappoints me. But….. there is no point wallowing in self-pity and the what ifs. I cannot change another person. I can only move the process forward for myself. So to finalise this, to bring closure, instead of waiting and hoping, I need to choose to be the one to bring this to an end. There is a grief in it. A grief I don’t get to grow old with someone. A grief my kids don’t have the perfect family unit, and the grief that life should be different to what it is. By bringing closure, it also symbolises an acceptance of this. Life IS different because of divorce. Life IS tinged with a sadness for now, but it certainly isn’t over.

Lastly, the longest running battle of my life… the biggest obstacle. Honestly, I think I have been on and off diets since I was 14 years old. That’s almost 35 years. The dynamics have changed though. My weight isn’t a roadblock because of what I look like, rather, what I fee like… my energy levels, the high blood pressure, and the chances of more medical complications if I don’t rectify this in the coming months and years. I eat because I am bored. I eat sometimes because I am lonely. I eat because it gives me some sort of satisfaction. But it blocks my future… I can’t play games with the kids because I have no energy, I can’t do anything physical for long because I have no stamina, I am constantly tired. The truth is I deserve better. My body deserves better. My heart and lungs deserve better. To truly love myself means to embrace a healthy lifestyle… to have some discipline, and to feel good by eating less. Truth is I KNOW this ! The times I have eaten less, I definitely feel better in mind and body.

These are the biggest obstacles in my life. They all start in the mind, but end with an action. None of them will be overcome by wishing things to happen. Each and every one requires and action on my behalf. Some require little attention, and some require a lot. The truth is my mind often tells me I can’t do it. Looking back over the past two years I know I can. I have left my husband. I have found a job when there were very few. I have changed jobs to a place everyone thought I was mad to go to – and believed it was the best thing (it actually was!!). I have sold two houses, renovated or co-ordinated renovating requirements before sales. I have saved money, and I have kept my head above water. Sometimes it felt like I was drowning. But I didn’t. Sometimes I was so afraid to do things, but I did them and enjoyed the process. Sometimes I got angry with God while waiting on him, but He would always answer – I could always trust him. And I can trust him again. I can trust him to give me strength when I want to hide away. I can trust him to help me say no when its easier to give in, and I can trust him to help me overcome all these obstacles in my life.

This year I want to conquer all of these! Maybe I won’t be fully there, but at least progress will be made. 2022 is a year for tearing down the obstacles so when I turn 50 in 2023 I can be fully, authentic me. I don’t want to just dream this… I determine to make it a reality. But most of all… I pledge to be kind to myself while on this journey.

My God.

I am 48 years old.

Life is fashioned by mountains and valleys, some valleys caused by our own failures, some by others.

But God. His faithfulness.

I live with little regret. Not because I don’t wish I had chosen different paths at times, but because I have learnt – because I know forgiveness, I have experienced grace, because I know my life is worth nothing except through His eyes and His heart.

Just as Covid hit, I left my husband. I was jobless, threatened with homelessness, broken. I am so thankful for my adult children who loved me through the deepest despair and the ache I carried. I’m so thankful to God who provided a job, who still has me housed, who has brought peace through this process.

And now, I am learning to linger. To embrace the joy in His presence. To wait on his voice. To let his love sprinkle down and wash over me, refresh me, sustain me.

And as I complete this healing phase of the journey… all that was broken is ready to be poured out to Gods women. To be an ear, but mostly to point them to the one who loves to linger with us. The one who walks beside our rippling streams, the one whose love is in the leaves that fall, whose tears are in the rain, and whose faithfulness is in the stars.

God. The kinsman-redeemer. My God.

Arise My Daughter

I had a ‘moment’ this morning. You know the ones where you realise God is right there beside you, loving you, encouraging you.

I was at staff meeting. I am in a privileged position of working at a church. I say privileged because I have always worked for not-for-profit or ministry organisations, except for last year. I spent seven months working in an Aged Care home. I loved that too, but I was so thankful to be able to once again be the hands and feet in a ministry area. I’m just in the office, but I love it.

One of the hardest things of coming to work here was that there was a lot of history here. My husband and I had both worked her prior. A lot of people know him and obviously know him differently to me. He is quite charismatic, and can be lots of fun. I was mostly known a T’s wife. Coming back, everyone has been so supportive and kind, and encouraging to me. I’m so thankful for that.

But this morning…. we had staff meeting. After some worship, our Pastor asked us to close our eyes and stay in the moment. Then he asked us to imagine if Jesus came and sat beside us. What would he say to us? How would we feel? Cue the tears!!

I could see him, I could feel him right there beside me. His presence and overwhelming love for me radiated from him. He loved me when my sins were like scarlet, and he loved me when I was struggling, and while I ran away from him. He just loved me. As I sat there, I felt him simply say Árise my daughter’. Interpreted by me as – be bold, be strong. This is the beginning, not the end. I have a purpose for you. Break out of your chains. Stand up. Stand tall. Stand strong. I am here. The burdens you have been carrying are in the past. The time is now. My time is now.

Practically , I’m not sure what is next. But my shoulders have squared, my chin has lifted, and I’m ready to walk into a new, bold season. But I will arise. I will not be chained to my past.

“Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the LORD rises upon you” Isaiah 60:1

Trauma Response

I read a great quote the other day:

There have been times during this divorce process I have felt ashamed for my actions. Things I’ve done that were ways of coping.

One of the hardest things is that I have learnt to shut down. I have done things in order to escape the pain. I have isolated myself.

The truth is that right now I’m a bit of a mess. My counsellor asked me the other day to write down the times I stood up to my husband. I can count very few. Once was when he was going to hang himself (manipulation), and I told him that he could do it just not in the front yard where my kids could find him. He stopped threatening that for a long time. The next time was after he had smashed a door and I made him leave for two weeks. Another time was when he wanted a threesome with my friend and I refused and he wouldn’t speak to me, but I didn’t care. Lastly was probably when I left him.

It wasn’t that I didn’t try. It’s that it so often felt useless. He would bully or manipulate his way no matter what I said.

Since the separation it has been hard. Looking back on so many times I have given in for years to his suicide threats. I gave in for years to his control. The days on end he wouldn’t speak to me while I tried to ‘fix it’. Walking on eggshells so I don’t upset him. I slowly did get stronger and learnt to ignore the moods, but it didn’t hurt any less.

I was stuck. Trapped. In a country I wasn’t entitled to welfare, I was a SAHM and had no job and no financial support.

He would create a fight every time I went to a woman’s night. He would distance me from my friends. He even changed our phone number once so my Mum couldn’t call me. If he didn’t get sex he would create an argument until 4am until as a tired Mum of five kids I would finally relent. #coercedconsentisnoconsent . He would want anal sex, and every time we had sex (it was a lot) he would try to make it anal and I would constantly have to be redirecting him. I would wake in the night to him on top of me having sex with me. #unconciouspeoplecantgiveconsent ! He wanted a threesome with my friend and I said no, then one day woke up to already being in the middle of one #nomeansno

At the same time I was raising five kids. I was carrying the entire mental load of the family, while dealing with his constant mood fluctuations and demands. He wanted a servant, not a wife.

The problem is when you put up with things, they never change. You learn to live in the boiling pot until one day you are so defeated, so tired from fighting for your marriage, for your kids, for your own headspace that you break. And I broke. My breaking included having an emotional affair. I escaped into a world where someone was kind. Where they saw me. Where I was noticed.

The truth is, while it seemed this broke us up because I wanted someone else, the truth is that it broke us up because it finally gave me the strength to say enough.

But going through the divorce is really no different. I’m still carrying the mental load. I’m still backing down to ‘appease’ him. Because I want a harmonious family for my kids.

When he was here staying (he is living in a different state) I backed down and allowed him to sleep in my bed due to lack of room. I allowed him to cuddle me. I allowed him to massage me a couple of times – until I realised it wasn’t about me, but his own sexual gratification. I allowed him to kiss me even though I hated it – because I am always trying to keep the peace due to the repercussions being harder than putting up with something. When I woke up to him getting me off, I didn’t say anything even though I felt sick to my stomach – firstly at him for touching me while I was sleeping and secondly for my body betraying me and orgasming.

I’m still carrying the mental load of our kids. I’m still carrying the mental load of renovating so we can sell the house. On top of that I’m realising so many of his behaviours were abusive, and having to deal with the emotions I kept buried for years in order to ‘get through’.

After the separation I did quite well, until the other man pursued me to have an affair with him. To be fair I considered it, then rejected it. I am worth too much to be someone’s bit on the side. His wife is worth too much for him to cheat one her – as a side note, he still contacts me. I’m going to send my boys to see him this week to let him know they know and it ends now. But after that I was so devastated at the let down I escaped into smoking again. I escaped by spending almost every night at my neighbours – it was the one place I could go and watch tv, or listen to music and not think. My mind is tired. I’m tired. I also escape my sleeping. I believe I escaped in our marriage by overeating.

One thing I have realised in the last week is that I am so drained by carrying all of this. The guilt, the decision to end the relationship and the weight that holds, the house, the kids. I’m exhausted. I need help. Counselling has been great and also incredibly painful as it brings up so many emotions. Like why did I not stand up to him more? Why do I still always try to ‘keep the peace’. Why do I ‘shut down’?

But it’s time to stop escaping. It’s time to get this journey done and dusted. I’m having my kids over for dinner in a couple of days and I’m asking for their help. For them to step in where I am unable.

1. I want it clear there will be no reconciliation

2. I want them to understand where I am at

3. I want it clear when ex moves back in three weeks I will not visit them, but my door is always open

4. I want them to understand I won’t do ‘family’ birthdays.

5. I need them to help me finish the house.

6. I want my boys to go sort other married man out (non violently)

7. I need their help. I don’t just want it, but I need it. I’m scared of my future – of being homeless due to lack of housing. I’m scared of buying and making a mistake. I’m scared of being alone forever even though I know I’ll cope.

Trauma binds us. It traps us. I refuse to stay trapped in trauma or in a marriage that is abusive. I will move on from this. I will learn how not to shut down, escape, or freeze, or stand up for myself. Because I need to. I cannot become emotionally healthy without it.

The future has so much hope. By 2022 I want my life to be mine, I want to be on a journey where the trauma is healing, where I am not afraid, and where I have confidence and faith in my own decisions.

Dear Mr X (Part one)

Dear Mr X,

So much has happened the last 15 months. I wish I had written more. The hurts, the disappointments, the hopes, the dreams, and finally the resolve.

I struggled with our break up. After years of hearing how much God hates divorce, I berated myself and beat myself up because I just didn’t have it in me anymore to try. The brokenness. The longing for a dream that will never be a reality. And finally a resolve. A resolve that I am loved by God. That I deserve to be noticed, I deserve to be important, I deserve to be free. Oh it hurts my heart that it could not be us, and the letting go has been a mix of push and pull, of inside knowing we are over but allowing the guilt to wash over me in waves. The days of missing the good that we had, but knowing unless I was doing all the work and the sacrificing there was very little holding us together.

Do I miss you? Sometimes yes. I miss having someone to go out for coffee with. I miss being a ‘family’. I miss planning a holiday and knowing I will have someone by my side. I miss having someone to discuss the kids with.

It’s scary out here alone. I have had to learn to relax and let go and let God. Trusting God has been hard because I sometimes feel he let me down. But it wasn’t him was it. It was me letting me down, or you letting me down.

I have struggled to get it right. And I have done so much wrong throughout our break up. More than anyone knows. I got messed up because a ‘good Christian man’ tried to (didn’t) take advantage of me, and it led me down a massive black hole away from God. I’m still trying to claw my way out of it. To find my freedom. I’m fighting for me all over again and it’s tough. The worst thing was when I told you what happened, when I told you what he had said to me, what he had asked me to be involved in – you blamed me. You blamed me – I was a victim of his desires. But you told me it must have been my fault. I must have done something to lead him on. Yet I had NO idea he had any thoughts of me, and in fact had hardly talked to him. I still can’t believe you said those things. I told you how much it messed me up. Another Christian man letting me down. I got to a point where I didn’t ever want to look at a Christian man again, let alone trust them.

Do I wish I didn’t leave our marriage? Sadly no. There is so much of life ahead, and even though it’s scary and uncertain, I can finally see hope again. I can see sunny days and fun coming.

Recently you told me how much you wanted me back. How much you had changed. But have you? (Not really) And does it even matter? It is too late. I left our marriage utterly broken – mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. The first couple of months after I told you I couldn’t do it anymore I slept. Like four sleeps during the day. Not to escape, but because I was absolutely exhausted.

Years of trying, working, being a wife and Mum, and doing 90% of it alone broke me. Much like the lies and broken promises. I was scared to move away with you. It didn’t feel a safe place. I couldn’t leave our kids behind – they are my world, and I’m so thankful for them. Looking back, with all that happened I’m so pleased I didn’t move away with you. I would have become more broken, more disheartened.

It makes my heart sad that our marriage wasn’t a safe place. It wasn’t a place I could be honest. It wasn’t a place I could have friends. It wasn’t a place of joy and laughter. It wasn’t a place of love.

It was a place of control. I didn’t even realise the extent until I left. Every decision, every message, every time I saw a friend – there were constant questions, constant text messages, phone calls. Everything I did outside of home I always worried I would be late and upset you. I walked on eggshells to keep you ‘happy’. I always did things so not to irritate you, so you wouldn’t sulk, you wouldn’t not talk to me, so you wouldn’t take away from the good time I had because you thought I should be home with you.

That isn’t a marriage. That is control. It isn’t freedom, it’s a prison. You kept me bound to you in unhealthy ways. You manipulated and used me so your life would be how you wanted it. You broke so many of my friendships over the years simply because you didn’t want to share me with anyone, because you were jealous, because you need to control.

Since we broke up – which I remind you – was at a time I had given up work to work for you… Covid hit right at my final decision. For 3 months I looked for work, all the time still doing your business work. I took out my super to pay our bills, and you would yell at me for using ‘your’ money to pay our mortgage and buy groceries for me and your children for the two months I couldn’t support them.

Since July last year when I started working, I have covered everything – the mortgage, the power, food for our kids because one was still at school and the other two had no jobs due to Covid. A year later and the last two months has finally seen all three of them employed. That whole time you never offered any support to me. Not once did you come up and buy groceries, or pay a mortgage payment. Not once did you ask if I needed anything. You just left it to me, even though you were earning about 30-40% more than I do. You even left your dog here from Christmas (without telling me) and never once paid for any food for her unless I asked you to buy her some – which has probably been twice.

You go from saying one minute you want a divorce to saying you desperately want me back. Sometimes you are compelling. Sometimes I want to believe you. But time has shown they are just words. Like I should have expected anything to change.

You tell me you have changed. When I asked you what you had done to get me back over the past 15 months, your answer was ‘I have worked on me’. Say what?? It must be nice to live 1000km away and only have yourself to worry about…. But there has never been anything but words for me to believe you actually want me back.

If I’m honest I don’t think anything you could have done would have worked. But you have done nothing. Not a nicely worded letter, not a bunch of flowers, not an offer to help with anything. So tell me how you’ve changed? How you are willing to work to get me back?

This year I decided it was better to try be friends than hate each other. But it gave you hope. Every time you came up to help finish the house you complained, and then tried to get in my bed. At one stage I let you sleep in my bed because the others were all taken, on the strict rule that there was to be nothing sexual between us. But you always tried to kiss me, and then there was the night I woke to your hands down my pants. That wasn’t ok. I had told you I was off limits. It’s called sexual assault. I felt so dirty and violated. Yes you apologised the next morning, but apologies mean nothing because YOU want what you want and will disrespect anyone’s boundaries to get it. No one else matters. Not only have you been with other women since we broke up, but I explicitly said no. You violated my trust, my good will and my body. So tell me again how you have changed?

You have had two relationships since we broke up. One six weeks later when DD1 was living with you. You brought your new woman into your house and were kissing her in front of DD1 and was sleeping with her. SIX weeks after we parted. DD1 had gone down to be with you because she was afraid you might kill your self after my decision to leave, and this is what she got.

Then at Christmas you again found someone (I don’t even know what you have done in between), and within a month had introduced her to your girls. You were the best dad then because you were trying to prove to your new piece what a good relationship you had with your children. Until your boys didn’t want anything to do with it, and then I came back on the scene and you tried to dump your girlfriend, but DD1 ended up having to set the record straight instead. The thing is – I truly don’t care if you find another woman. But by golly I do mind when you bring my kids into it. There is no respect. Have a relationship and once you know it’s something special and it has lasted for a time, then introduce them… not in the first few weeks. It’s hard to see my kids hurt unnecessarily because of your selfishness.

Recently when you were about to come up I had two friends separately say to me that I change when you are here and it takes at least a week or two before I become my happy bubbly self again. I think that is telling. I hadn’t noticed and I’m so thankful for friends who speak the truth. But it’s true. It’s like a weight is upon me. I still slip into the ‘keep you happy’ mode. But inside I’m dying and counting the days till you go.

All of the above has set my resolve that we are over. The last time you came up I asked you for two things – to buy some dog food, and to put the trailer you brought up down the back of the yard. You were here for 5 days and did neither. Sigh. So tell me how you have changed? And tell me how much you want me back?

Your world is about you and you only. You bought a new jet-ski and had to bring it up to show it off. The last time you came up with a $1500 electric scooter – to show everyone what you have. The truth is, you have a two bedroom granny flat 1000km away and a tethered relationship with your children. I have almost nothing material, but I know my kids love me and would do anything for me. That is all I need.

I’m so looking forward to getting this house sold. There is a great future ahead of me. One of laughter and sunshine and Jesus and freedom. I’m so close I can almost smell it now. I recently found a new job which I love and I’m incredibly settled in already. I’m repairing my relationship with God and I finally have hope for the future. Hope of a new place – one I can honour God in. Hope of a peaceful settled life where I have friends and family around me. Hope that I am now in a true healing phase and that I can walk through it confidently and become whole.

Oh I am so pleased I have gone on this journey. After 25 years of marriage it has been the toughest and hardest thing to do, but I am so pleased the last 15 months are behind me and my future is before me.

I can’t even say I love you any more. I care. You will always be the father of 4/5 of my kids and I care that you are there for them. But that is your relationship to figure out.

There is freedom in resolve. Thought out, observant, truthful resolve. Not based on emotion, but fact. I can thank you for the good times we shared, but am so relieved to be free.

Yours

Dellie Claire