joy

Covid. That is what most people think about when they think of 2020 to 2022. Not me. I think divorce. When I left my husband at the start of 2020, I could never have imagined the depths of what I was to walk through. In all fairness to him, he has really been pretty decent with the whole process. In fact, I’m not even sure he knows the divorce was finalised 5 months ago. I assume he does. My care factor is not high.

Almost three years since I first decided I would leave and I have been through so much. I walked through burn out, exhaustion, the inability to find a job with Covid having hit, potential homelessness, finding work, being hopeful for reconciliation, defeat in that, reconciling my faith with the reality of divorce, selling homes, buying a townhouse, lots of counselling, reconciling the parts of me that that needed healed, reconciling my flaws, finding myself on different ends of the spectrum and allowing myself time to find the trajectory for my life that is most authentic to me. Finally…. the other side…. and JOY. So much joy.

It isn’t that life is necessarily easy. There is always things going on and ups and downs. But I carry a joy, a peace, a contentment that I haven’t carried all my life. I know who I am. I know what I will accept in both a partner, and from myself. I know who I want to be. I know that God is faithful. I fail, but keep on moving forward.

If anyone had told me that life could be this wonderful, I would never have been able to grasp it, or even believe it. I’m so thankful for friends, for family, for God, for a great work environment. I would walk through the last three years again if the change was guaranteed to bring this much satisfaction with life. I laugh every day, I am lighter in spirit, I have no fear of the future – just possibilities – endless possibilities. I’m not waiting for anyone, I’m just living life to the fullest, and loving every second of it.

I know some people have awful battles over houses, money, children, and I’m so thankful I didn’t have that. There was definitely hard times in there to get to the divorce, but it grew my strength, it made me more courageous, and it increased my resilience. I learnt to let go of what I wished for. I gave space to grieve what I had longed for and never was, I gave space to heal the wounds, and allow Gods love to fill my heart, and I gave space for loneliness and despair when it was needed. God took all the hurts, and all the tears, and he has replaced them with a deep seated joy.

Just yesterday I was saying to a friend that my vase at home never seems to be empty of flowers these days. This year, they have come from all different places, but there is barely a week I don’t have a vase filled with fragrance and beauty. She said that maybe it was God lavishing his love upon me, reminding me that I am worthy of his gifts, and worthy of love, and kindness. I hadn’t thought about that, but how precious, and special to think that could be true.

The other side of the divorce – for me, it is like walking out of a dark tunnel into the most brilliant sunshine, where the sun shines brighter, and the raindrops fall softer. So, my friend, if you are about to leave your marriage, if you are in the midst of heartache, or despair – remember that joy will come in the morning. Don’t give up. It might take time, but one day, you will wake up and realise that you deserve to LIVE, not just exist, or survive, but truly live each day, with a smile on your face, and a deep joy in your heart. I can promise that if you do the work on your own heart, you will heal and come through as a new creation.

Bless ❤

The roar of cheers in a stadium, to the shrill scream of fear, the deep manly husk, to the carefree belly laugh. We are surrounded by noise, and stunned by silence. An orchestra of sound clangs in our waking ears and whispers in our sleeping moments.

We are always searching for more. Something new. Something better. Something to replace the old with louder, more intense beats. We are never satisfied with silence, never content to stop, to be still. We are always reaching, clambering, fighting, begging for more. More money, more fulfilment, more love, more sex, more career advancement, more, more, more… We get caught up in the world, in the season of children, sports, taxi driving, bills, church, community events. We fill our lives with ‘us’, with others. We pressure ourselves, and put unrealistic expectations on others. We stuff our feelings away with the busy, the hectic, the noise, and somehow take pride in it. We live for tomorrow, instead of enjoying today’s moments. We are never satisfied because tomorrow never arrives. So we continue the clang. We strive to be heard above the roar of the city streets, and noticed amongst the rush of the subway.

Have we all forgotten the sound of silence? Have we forgotten the sound of the soul? So many of us are searching for ourselves amongst the noise, but if we stop would we find ourselves in the melody of silence?

Perhaps it’s time we hushed the noise. Perhaps its time we took minutes to listen to the sound of our heart. To listen to the tiny whispers inside us instead of the continued gongs that dominate our lives.

What if we found release? What if we found we all had a happy spot deep down inside of us that we have forgotten? What if we found the cause of the emptiness we feel? What if we found answers? What if we found purpose? Motivation? Understanding? Joy?

What if we found peace?

What if we found our hands lovingly dancing over the piano of our lives? What if we see dark notes interspersed with the light ones, and realize they create a beauty, a melody, a fragrance. What if we realized beauty is not found in flash cars, and nice houses, but beauty is found in friendships and love? What if we watched fingers caress the darkness, and break out into sunshine? What if we allowed ourselves to be swept up in the magic of melody and drenched in the sound of silence?

What if we all took a moment and changed the repeating clang in our head to a tune that captivates our soul?

This world is an orchestra of sound, and largely we get choose the melody we dance to. What tune are you going to dance to today?

❤

DellieClaire

One Day At A Time

Divorce – The other side of the ordeal

An Orchestra of Sound