New Year, New Opportunity

Way back (feels like forever ago) in 2019, I remember thinking about all the firsts and lasts that were happening. If I knew that at the end of 2021 I was still in the same house I’m not sure I would have coped. Its a good thing we don’t know the future. Yes, we might know parts of it, but we can’t predict what will transpire – who would have predicted Covid? Who would have predicted lockdowns, being jobless, facing homelessness? Not me, that is for sure.

As 2021 draws to a close, I have had 2 extra Christmases in my home than what I predicted. I don’t have the divorce papers in my hand yet, and I don’t have peace in that space. 2020 was certainly a downward spiral. I was lost, vulnerable, jobless during a pandemic, and at times soulless. My life was deconstructed to the nenth degree. Everything I knew. Marriage, myself, my family, my stability, my relationship with God. It was torn apart. Oh I lay bare so many times…. time where I could hardly face the next day. Days where I was consumed with anger, or sadness, or grief. By the end of 2020, I had every foundation rocked and I escaped bruised, battered and worn.

Walking into 2021 seemed to bring hope. And there was hope. I was wading through quicksand trying to find myself. Trying to align who I was with the actions I was taking. The who I was, who I wanted to be, and who I knew God wanted me to be were at war with each other. Now to be fair… I always gave myself 2-3 years to get myself together. I knew there would be work involved in healing. My goal was always to be healed and on life’s new trajectory by the time I was 50. Well, I have about 380 days to go or thereabouts…. and oh how gracious time is to us!

2021 has brought hope, and light, and a lot of change. From job changes, to housing sales and re-purchases, from marriage to babies… there has been a lot of change in my family. For me, its been like a long held sigh. Not a sigh of despair… but a sigh you relax into. One that at each step you see the ends, you embrace the closure of circumstances. Oh there have been times I have let myself down. Times I have stumbled and fallen. Times I have clung to a life raft… but there have been significant times of healing. Significant times where I could put the past to rest. Times I could forgive myself, where I could allow myself grace. There have been times of hard work, times of confusion, insecurity, trepidation. But most of all…. there has been this sense of moving forward. Not being stuck, but continually moving forward in who I am and in the circumstances.

2021 has seen a job surrounded by beautiful people. Ironically it is back at a place that held a lot of pain for me. I knew that God brought me back to heal those places that bled, and I’m so pleased he did. He has not only healed them, but placed a family around me. a place where friendships are old, but new, a place where people are genuine and lovely. I’m so thankful for that. He has placed me in a team that likes to have fun and is a good place to be. He has gifted me family. Children whose eyes have been opened to their father. Children who will come into bat for me. Children who have spent time renovating, giving me strength, holding me when I cried and encouraging me when I stumbled. Oh I am so thankful to God for wonderful children.

So as 2021 passes… I am thankful to God. For my family, for my job, for taking my hand and leading me through the year, for putting up with my impatience, for guiding my choices, and for healing so many parts of me. Last of all I’m so thankful for finance approval for my new place to live in 2022! What a way to end the year.

As I look forward to 2022, I know there will be times of hardship, there will be times I will be on my knees, but there is so much to look forward to. Firstly, the grandbaby coming in February. How can you not be excited about new life and a wonderful Mum and Dad for baby to be blessed by. I’m excited for moving, and all that comes with it. I’m excited for continued freedom and growth, and healing. I’m excited to go deeper with God, and to free up the space in my brain to soak in his presence, to linger with him.

In looking back, the last two years have been incredibly challenging. But I stand. I stand in God’s grace, in His love, and humbled by his compassion and forgiveness. I stand knowing I am loved by God, but also by family. I stand thankful for beautiful friends who have held my hand on this journey. I stand knowing that I am finding the me who was hidden for all these years. I stand knowing tomorrow will be better than yesterday. I stand knowing that I can move forward with strength and dignity. I stand thankful for my wonderful counsellor who has listened and inspired me to keep going. I stand looking forward, but being thankful for the hardships.

So thank you 2020 and 2021…. if I knew what you held I might have made different choices… but I’m so thankful for the future being somewhat a mystery and for the growth and strength that will come through it.

Happy New Year to everyone out there. May 2022 bring you strength, growth and contentment.

❤ Dellie

Hurry Hurry Hurry….Quick Quick Quick

Why are we always in such a hurry to fix things?

There are a lot of people who want me to ‘fix’ my marriage. And they want to see it happen quickly. Imagine… if I don’t … for some reason it seems it would be ok for my husband to find someone else because ‘he has needs’. Excuuuse me?!

But no. I won’t fix my marriage fast. I may not fix it at all. After 25 years, there are a lot of issues. If by chance we do get back together, we probably have 25-30 years left together. So what’s the hurry? If it takes us 1-2 years to work through things does it matter? If we do it and do it well, isn’t it better than rushing it and ending up in the same place with the same bad habits, the same perceptions, the same ‘us’? Isn’t it kinder to give ourselves room to grow? Isn’t it kinder to really think things through and see where life takes us rather than pushing on because we ‘should’ be together? Because honestly – maybe we shouldn’t!

Hubby had a ‘come to Jesus’ moment and it seemed as though maybe we should and could work it out. Within a matter of days and weeks we were set to get back together and build a house and sail off into the sunset on our jet skis. The dream was dreamt, the fantasy was set. All we had to do was have the borders open, our current houses sell and off we would go. 3-6 months. All this year would be done and dusted and we could start afresh.

Except we can’t.

WE are still the same people. And part of that same is the ability to get caught up in a dream, forgetting everything else until the dream isn’t the fantasy we expected and life becomes harder because we went off on a wing and a prayer.

So with nothing changed except the ‘come to Jesus’ moment… really nothing changes. What drove me away before will do so again. Talk of work work work, running a business, feeling invisible, always being put second or third or fourth, feeling let down, caring but not truly loving him, physical contact still making me feel like cringing, my marriage not being a place of safety, strength and rest, not feeling respected. You see, I’m still wavering. My mind tells me I ‘should’ be there. I would make him happy, my kids happy, other people happy…. but I know deep down my heart does not want it. I want the dream… who wouldn’t, but I don’t want it with him. How very sad. How very lonely. I don’t hate him at all. I want the best for him and I can’t give him the best.

It’s easy to go back. So much is familiar. So much is comfortable even in it’s uncomfortableness. But don’t we both deserve better?

This is an excerpt from a text a dear friend sent me last week…

You see…. he wants what is best for me. He knows I deserve to be respected, to be special. He knows I deserve to be loved. He knows me enough to know how hard it is for me to let my guard down. He knows I shouldn’t settle for anything less than the best. He knows me so personally – in fact even from 3000 miles away he knows my faults, my weaknesses, and how I should be treated. Sometimes I forget what I deserve. I’m not yet ready to look for anyone else, but you can bet if that time comes I will remind myself of what I need to do.

Right now I waver back and forth. I don’t know what I want with my husband. But you know what? I’m ok with that. People think we need to fix things ‘now’, but we don’t. Sometimes we need to sit in the process. We need to take time. We need counselling. We need self development. We need space. We need freedom. We need wonder and grace to do life our way. Sometimes we need to lose ourselves in order to find ourselves.

If that means my husband has to wait… then he has a choice. He can love me in the waiting or he can go look for a bit of skirt somewhere else. I have needs to, but they are secondary to the rest of it. If I’m not worth the wait, then I never was worth enough to him. But if we can both self examine, both seek counsel and forgiveness, if we both continue to confront our own issues, then maybe there is a way. Or maybe there isn’t. But I’ll be damned if I will ever be hurried into something to keep other people happy.

I deserve the greatest love from and for myself. I deserve to be given the time and space I need.

So let’s stop the hurry. Let’s stop trying to fix. Let’s embrace the process. Let’s slow down. Take time. Be kind to ourselves. Be kind to each other. Allow ourselves to grow. Release the tears. Find out who we really are. Confront our fears. Work on our failings. Listen to the birds. Enjoy the coffee. Lie on the grass and stare at the sky. Let’s stop the hurry because we will be better for it. Let’s embrace the journey and take the time we need to heal instead of putting a band aid on an amputated limb and hoping it works.

Maybe you agree. Maybe you don’t. Would love to see your thoughts on this 🙂

For You

At every turn I pray tenderness floods your soul, beauty captures your heart and wonder saturates your mind.

Imagine a world where we strive for our souls to be filled instead of our houses.

Imagine a world where our hearts overflow instead of our credit card.

Imagine a world where our eyes are full of wonder instead of greed.

Imagine. ❤️

Healing

Healing can be a painful process. Sometimes you cut deep. Sometimes you are surprised by the truth you find when you search for it.

Healing means being brave enough to feel the emotions and strong enough to allow yourself time to process them. Healing doesn’t happen overnight. It is a journey. It’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to be honest with yourself. It’s ok to grieve, to cry, to be angry. It’s ok to feel defeated.

You only have to put one step in front of another. Take one moment at a time. Show yourself tenderness. Be kind to your soul. Keep walking. Trust God even when you can’t.

One day you will think you have healed, another day you won’t be able to see past your puffy eyes. But… healing will come and you will be changed…. a little lighter, a little more compassionate, a little more raw, open and kinder.

Embrace the season through your pain because your journey becomes your story.

In The Silence

Who are you in the silence?

When Gods whisper has stilled

And his presence is void

Who are you when the world is not watching?

When it’s you, just you

No demands, no pull

Who are you when you look in the mirror?

When tenderness tints your lense

and love covers your embrace

Who are you when you look at your lack?

When the gaps glare back

And the darkness threatens to descend upon you

Who are you when standing in the presence of the cross!

Covered in sin and shame

Face down in guilt, arms stretched wide in grief

Who are you when the world seems threatening?

when the ugliness surrounds

and the abyss pulls you closer

Who are you when standing in the sun?

Warmth flowing through,

basking in its goodness and love

Who are you when the world is beneath your feet?

The heartbeat of the nations thundering in your soul

The tears of the helpless making streaks across your cheeks

Who are you but a multi faceted soul

searching for meaning,

for purpose, for acceptance

When your heartbeat is dancing, demanding, exploding,

When your spirit is sad, and troubled

When your body is tired and weak

Simply whisper

I am enough!