Life

Pink Steel Cap Butt Kicking Boots

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This is something I wrote three years ago. Before I decided to leave my husband. I was excited for 2020, but near the end of 2019 my world changed. Maybe I changed. The interesting this is that this is what I wrote. I am going to highlight all the things have have come true over the past three years for me. Ironic that I could write something and look back and see that perhaps those pink steel cap butt kicking boots actually booted my own backside – but so many things I was excited for came true in a way I never thought of, dreamed of, or imagined. Take a look:

“What would you think of if someone told you they bought pink boots? Cute? Sexy? Powerful?
Pink represents so many things – friendship, affection, harmony, inner peace, approachability.
Pink can be soft, but also vibrant. It can be tender, playful and strong. But these boots? My pink
steel cap butt kicking boots? I am so excited to own them because they represent a new story, a
new life.
The last 15 years or so, I have loved my jobs. Some have been more challenging than others.
There have been ones that ended well, and some I was pleased to escape from, but overall I have
met beautiful people. I have learnt as much about myself as I have work cultures and
management styles. Today is the end of full time work in the normal sense for me. It is the end of
bosses, the end of imposed time restrictions, deadlines and priorities. It is the end of being
confined to windowless offices, sitting at a desk working all day and again at night at home. It is
the end of being pulled in two directions, the end of being present for both, yet not ‘all in’ at either.
It is also the beginning. It is the beginning of a certain amount of freedom. Freedom to work
around family. Freedom to embrace a new career. Freedom to try new things, to bring change, to
work with people, and to create. It is the opportunity to build the dream life alongside my husband,
and to change the future for our children.
The boots aren’t about swapping heels for a trade site. They are about breakthrough. Change.
Challenge. Growth. Strength. Confidence. Faith. Hard work. Sweat. Tears. They are power over
doubt, they are belief for the future. Those pink steel cap butt kicking boots are victory in the face
of past defeats. Unafraid, they support when the ground is shaky and remain steady when life is
wobbly.
They say I’m ready! I am all in. I am planted. Firm. Solid. They will walk into places others fear to
tread. They are no longer hiding in the shadows. They say BRING IT ON!
With 2020 around the corner, my boots are poised to jump into the unknown. They will take back
ground, they will proclaim the goodness of God, and you can be sure, they will need to kick butt!
Joys of life often co-exist alongside the struggles. The biggest difference is the attitude we take to
it. I don’t know what 2020 holds for anyone else, but I’m bringing my butt kicking boots! “

I have just written a new mantra for my next three years. As I look back to this, I get excited. Clearly when I wrote this, I wasn’t intending on leaving my marriage. I was excited for what life could bring. But life worked out differently than I expected. As I have written a mantra for my next season – again a three year season, I know that what I now ‘see’ will be vastly different to what eventuates. The fact we can’t see the future is a gift. Yet, how wonderful to look back over the years and see your dreams come through, and God working through our life if we allow. I feel that there isn’t a lot of room for life to get much better, but I know there is much to learn, places to go, people to meet, and God will be there.

Divorce – The other side of the ordeal

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Covid. That is what most people think about when they think of 2020 to 2022. Not me. I think divorce. When I left my husband at the start of 2020, I could never have imagined the depths of what I was to walk through. In all fairness to him, he has really been pretty decent with the whole process. In fact, I’m not even sure he knows the divorce was finalised 5 months ago. I assume he does. My care factor is not high.

Almost three years since I first decided I would leave and I have been through so much. I walked through burn out, exhaustion, the inability to find a job with Covid having hit, potential homelessness, finding work, being hopeful for reconciliation, defeat in that, reconciling my faith with the reality of divorce, selling homes, buying a townhouse, lots of counselling, reconciling the parts of me that that needed healed, reconciling my flaws, finding myself on different ends of the spectrum and allowing myself time to find the trajectory for my life that is most authentic to me. Finally…. the other side…. and JOY. So much joy.

It isn’t that life is necessarily easy. There is always things going on and ups and downs. But I carry a joy, a peace, a contentment that I haven’t carried all my life. I know who I am. I know what I will accept in both a partner, and from myself. I know who I want to be. I know that God is faithful. I fail, but keep on moving forward.

If anyone had told me that life could be this wonderful, I would never have been able to grasp it, or even believe it. I’m so thankful for friends, for family, for God, for a great work environment. I would walk through the last three years again if the change was guaranteed to bring this much satisfaction with life. I laugh every day, I am lighter in spirit, I have no fear of the future – just possibilities – endless possibilities. I’m not waiting for anyone, I’m just living life to the fullest, and loving every second of it.

I know some people have awful battles over houses, money, children, and I’m so thankful I didn’t have that. There was definitely hard times in there to get to the divorce, but it grew my strength, it made me more courageous, and it increased my resilience. I learnt to let go of what I wished for. I gave space to grieve what I had longed for and never was, I gave space to heal the wounds, and allow Gods love to fill my heart, and I gave space for loneliness and despair when it was needed. God took all the hurts, and all the tears, and he has replaced them with a deep seated joy.

Just yesterday I was saying to a friend that my vase at home never seems to be empty of flowers these days. This year, they have come from all different places, but there is barely a week I don’t have a vase filled with fragrance and beauty. She said that maybe it was God lavishing his love upon me, reminding me that I am worthy of his gifts, and worthy of love, and kindness. I hadn’t thought about that, but how precious, and special to think that could be true.

The other side of the divorce – for me, it is like walking out of a dark tunnel into the most brilliant sunshine, where the sun shines brighter, and the raindrops fall softer. So, my friend, if you are about to leave your marriage, if you are in the midst of heartache, or despair – remember that joy will come in the morning. Don’t give up. It might take time, but one day, you will wake up and realise that you deserve to LIVE, not just exist, or survive, but truly live each day, with a smile on your face, and a deep joy in your heart. I can promise that if you do the work on your own heart, you will heal and come through as a new creation.

Bless ❤

An Orchestra of Sound

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The roar of cheers in a stadium, to the shrill scream of fear, the deep manly husk, to the carefree belly laugh.  We are surrounded by noise, and stunned by silence.  An orchestra of sound clangs in our waking ears and whispers in our sleeping moments.

We are always searching for more.  Something new.  Something better.  Something to replace the old with louder, more intense beats.  We are never satisfied with silence, never content to stop, to be still.  We are always reaching, clambering, fighting, begging for more.  More money, more fulfilment, more love, more sex, more career advancement, more, more, more…  We get caught up in the world, in the season of children, sports, taxi driving, bills, church, community events.  We fill our lives with ‘us’, with others.  We pressure ourselves, and put unrealistic expectations on others.  We stuff our feelings away with the busy, the hectic, the noise, and somehow take pride in it.  We live for tomorrow, instead of enjoying today’s moments.  We are never satisfied because tomorrow never arrives.  So we continue the clang.  We strive to be heard above the roar of the city streets, and noticed amongst the rush of the subway.

Have we all forgotten the sound of silence?  Have we forgotten the sound of the soul?  So many of us are searching for ourselves amongst the noise, but if we stop would we find ourselves in the melody of silence?

Perhaps it’s time we hushed the noise.  Perhaps its time we took minutes to listen to the sound of our heart.  To listen to the tiny whispers inside us instead of the continued gongs that dominate our lives.

What if we found release?  What if we found we all had a happy spot deep down inside of us that we have forgotten?  What if we found the cause of the emptiness we feel? What if we found answers?  What if we found purpose?  Motivation?  Understanding? Joy?

What if we found peace?

What if we found our hands lovingly dancing over the piano of our lives?  What if we see dark notes interspersed with the light ones, and realize they create a beauty, a melody, a fragrance.  What if we realized beauty is not found in flash cars, and nice houses, but beauty is found in friendships and love?  What if we watched fingers caress the darkness, and break out into sunshine?  What if we allowed ourselves to be swept up in the magic of melody and drenched in the sound of silence?

What if we all took a moment and changed the repeating clang in our head to a tune that captivates our soul?

This world is an orchestra of sound, and largely we get choose the melody we dance to. What tune are you going to dance to today?

❤

A Love Like No Other

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Take me away with you,

Take me away on a journey,

Just the two of us. Forget the world, forget our lives,

Just for a short time of freedom.

I want three nights, three nights of love,

Three nights to feel your arms around me

To touch you, to feel your kisses on my lips,

Three nights of freedom from this world,

To run down the beach,

The wind in our hair,

The sand between our toes, like lovers between the sheets,

Like the stars that never end.

I ache to hold you in my arms,

To listen to your voice as you talk with me,

Like the breeze awakens the leaves,

So your voice stirs my soul.

As the sun shines in the day, I can feel the warmth of your touch,

The feel of your strong soft hands,

As the storm breaks through the clouds, I feel you breaking through the walls of my heart,

Gently, softly, one brick at a time being chipped away,

Somewhere inside is a heart that wants to beat again

That wants to feel,

That wants to be treasured.

The ache that I feel, can be satisfied with nothing – but your touch.

But as reality sets in, I know those three days would end, and only half a heart would ever walk away.

For memories can never hold two hearts together forever.

To say goodbye would hurt more than to not touch you at all.

So it will never be.

My heart will always long for that which it cannot have,

That longing feels as though it is going to crush the life out of me. My goodness, I want to talk to you.

I want to see you. But it can never be.

It can never be!!

And so, the bricks go up,

One at a time, and slowly

My heart is closed again,

An empty hollow shell

Trapped in chains, bolted and locked.

The dark, hidden space where the ache becomes the beat of my heart…

Goodbye my friend. You own part of my soul, and my soul will always long for you.

Goodbye Mary Street.

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The autumn leaves fall gently to the ground… The beauty gone, the branches raw and bare. Stripped back, empty, forlorn. To the naked eye it holds little appeal, & just the same…….

The rooms are barren and bare. The door shuts. One final time. The walls that hold 44 yrs of memories, now silent and still. The house that holds a thousand secrets, now barren, now bare… Stripped of the life it once held… Empty, forlorn…..

A home is not merely a structure, but thousands of memories in every way. The foundation of truth, the cornerstone to a child’s heart. A home is not merely a house, but where love meets anger, and kindness meets toughness, where tears find joy, where a family grows together and a place when all else is gone – the memories linger, the lessons are cherished, and those that remain are carried by the love that was shared.

So as the door is closed, one final time…..The walls are silent, the rooms are bare. There remains just two certainties – a house, just like the barren branches, will bloom again come spring…….And family will always be carried in the heart, long after the final curtain is drawn.

The Silent Scream

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Her eyes looked straight ahead

Dark, hard, unseeing

The thought of breathing… a threat

To her secret dam of pain

She blinks as she feels it

The darkness within

Rising like a captive seeking light

Moving up her body til its cutting off her air

Like a gag in her throat

Desperate for release from a thousand emotions

The demands unrelenting,

Threatening to choke and destroy

For loved ones who are no more,

For the crushing blackness of pain that lurks

Haunting memories unknown, yet known in her very soul,

For love, absolute, lost in the confusion of life, destroying her,

Breaking her

For the thousand why’s, when’s, what’s, where’s and how’s

That never end….

The expectations unceasing, the constant cry that requires more,

Yet gives nothing in return

Like an enraged beast, the scream

Inside her rises

Wanting, needing, to be free

But – She keeps looking straight ahead

Dark eyes hard, unseeing

Too scared to give in to the forces that rage within

For if she screams, she may not stop

She may succumb to the darkness that lurks

The fragile girl within, lost to the depths

And so she swallows and keeps it all inside

The questions thick in the air–

Is true strength in holding on, or in letting go?

And does

Pain trapped, destroy more than pain released?

Today… today is not the day to risk it,

For she fears she may not survive

And so she fights it, pushing the scream

Back down…

Stares straight ahead

Dark eyes hard, unseeing

It’s just another day. Her scream will wait….

Post Dump

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So much of the work I have done on myself and for myself over the past three years has been about bringing who I am together. After years of compartmentalising my life, fracturing myself to live up to expectations of those around me, I have been pulling my life together. One life, one me.

As part of that, I want to bring things I have written together. So excuse the post dump…. its all me… just me in one place. The messy, the passionate, the loss, the parts of me over the years that have been silent. It’s a coming together.

The Pendulum of Time

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I just came across this. I wrote it in Sept 2020. Its good advice. I took my time. I didn’t hurry the process. I’m pleased I didn’t. Disentanglement takes time. The answers did come. My life today is much more than I could have dreamed of or imagined. There is nothing magical about it, yet everything is magical. If you find yourself in here somewhere, don’t be afraid to give yourself the gift of time:

So much has happened since I last posted and I hope to catch up soon. I’m currently in a weird place where the pendulum is swinging both ways.

It can be confusing. Unsettling. Where will I be in a years time? Is this too hard? Will I be single forever? Can my husband and I work things out? If we do, can I ever truly be happy with him?

As one thing falls into place, it seems another changes. Tick. Tick. Tick. The pendulum swings. We get on, we are friends. Tick. Tick. Tick. I can’t do this. I don’t like him. Tick. Tick. This is too hard. Tick. I want what we can do together. Tick. Tick. What does God require of me? Tick. Tick… and on it goes.

I have come to a place that tomorrow doesn’t matter. I only need to have today sorted out, next week sorted. Not next month, or next year. It will sort itself and no amount of worrying about it will change it.

I get to choose. I don’t have to stay with my husband. Is it good for me to stay and better for me to leave? Or is it good for me to leave and better for me to stay?

I don’t have the answers. There is no crystal ball. There is good, there is God and there is also choice. But there is no hurry. I’m not looking for a replacement. I’m not looking for a fling, or some love. I’m taking care of me. Looking after my relationship with God. And the answers will come.

With hubby stuck behind closed borders we can’t see each other. This is a good thing. Space is a good thing. Time to change is a good thing. Time to talk with no expectations is a good thing. There is no rush. If we decide we have nothing to pursue then that is ok. We will be ok. If we go down the road of reconciliation that is also ok. But right now the most precious thing we have is time.

Time to become the best versions of ourselves. Time to explore life alone. Time to reflect and recharge. Time to dig deep and heal hurts.

Nothing will be wasted. The pendulum is swinging, but one day it will be still. We will have our answers. And we will both be ok whatever our future looks like.

Sometimes others want answers of us. But we need to quieten their voices. If we can spend 25 years fighting for a marriage together, then a year or two years apart to decide if we can do another 25 years doesn’t matter.

We have time. Don’t let anyone hurry you. You won’t miss out on anything. You will be pleased for the investment into yourself. You will be pleased you took as long as you needed. Your future will be better for it.

So breathe. Slow down. Take time. Inhale. Exhale. Become at peace within yourself and your joy come. One step at a time is all that is required. So give yourself the gift of time. For you. For your heart. For your soul. For your future.

Go with the pendulum swings until the day your future becomes clear. Don’t be afraid. The answers will come.

Bless.. ❤️

New Year, New Opportunity

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Way back (feels like forever ago) in 2019, I remember thinking about all the firsts and lasts that were happening. If I knew that at the end of 2021 I was still in the same house I’m not sure I would have coped. Its a good thing we don’t know the future. Yes, we might know parts of it, but we can’t predict what will transpire – who would have predicted Covid? Who would have predicted lockdowns, being jobless, facing homelessness? Not me, that is for sure.

As 2021 draws to a close, I have had 2 extra Christmases in my home than what I predicted. I don’t have the divorce papers in my hand yet, and I don’t have peace in that space. 2020 was certainly a downward spiral. I was lost, vulnerable, jobless during a pandemic, and at times soulless. My life was deconstructed to the nenth degree. Everything I knew. Marriage, myself, my family, my stability, my relationship with God. It was torn apart. Oh I lay bare so many times…. time where I could hardly face the next day. Days where I was consumed with anger, or sadness, or grief. By the end of 2020, I had every foundation rocked and I escaped bruised, battered and worn.

Walking into 2021 seemed to bring hope. And there was hope. I was wading through quicksand trying to find myself. Trying to align who I was with the actions I was taking. The who I was, who I wanted to be, and who I knew God wanted me to be were at war with each other. Now to be fair… I always gave myself 2-3 years to get myself together. I knew there would be work involved in healing. My goal was always to be healed and on life’s new trajectory by the time I was 50. Well, I have about 380 days to go or thereabouts…. and oh how gracious time is to us!

2021 has brought hope, and light, and a lot of change. From job changes, to housing sales and re-purchases, from marriage to babies… there has been a lot of change in my family. For me, its been like a long held sigh. Not a sigh of despair… but a sigh you relax into. One that at each step you see the ends, you embrace the closure of circumstances. Oh there have been times I have let myself down. Times I have stumbled and fallen. Times I have clung to a life raft… but there have been significant times of healing. Significant times where I could put the past to rest. Times I could forgive myself, where I could allow myself grace. There have been times of hard work, times of confusion, insecurity, trepidation. But most of all…. there has been this sense of moving forward. Not being stuck, but continually moving forward in who I am and in the circumstances.

2021 has seen a job surrounded by beautiful people. Ironically it is back at a place that held a lot of pain for me. I knew that God brought me back to heal those places that bled, and I’m so pleased he did. He has not only healed them, but placed a family around me. a place where friendships are old, but new, a place where people are genuine and lovely. I’m so thankful for that. He has placed me in a team that likes to have fun and is a good place to be. He has gifted me family. Children whose eyes have been opened to their father. Children who will come into bat for me. Children who have spent time renovating, giving me strength, holding me when I cried and encouraging me when I stumbled. Oh I am so thankful to God for wonderful children.

So as 2021 passes… I am thankful to God. For my family, for my job, for taking my hand and leading me through the year, for putting up with my impatience, for guiding my choices, and for healing so many parts of me. Last of all I’m so thankful for finance approval for my new place to live in 2022! What a way to end the year.

As I look forward to 2022, I know there will be times of hardship, there will be times I will be on my knees, but there is so much to look forward to. Firstly, the grandbaby coming in February. How can you not be excited about new life and a wonderful Mum and Dad for baby to be blessed by. I’m excited for moving, and all that comes with it. I’m excited for continued freedom and growth, and healing. I’m excited to go deeper with God, and to free up the space in my brain to soak in his presence, to linger with him.

In looking back, the last two years have been incredibly challenging. But I stand. I stand in God’s grace, in His love, and humbled by his compassion and forgiveness. I stand knowing I am loved by God, but also by family. I stand thankful for beautiful friends who have held my hand on this journey. I stand knowing that I am finding the me who was hidden for all these years. I stand knowing tomorrow will be better than yesterday. I stand knowing that I can move forward with strength and dignity. I stand thankful for my wonderful counsellor who has listened and inspired me to keep going. I stand looking forward, but being thankful for the hardships.

So thank you 2020 and 2021…. if I knew what you held I might have made different choices… but I’m so thankful for the future being somewhat a mystery and for the growth and strength that will come through it.

Happy New Year to everyone out there. May 2022 bring you strength, growth and contentment.

❤ Dellie

Hurry Hurry Hurry….Quick Quick Quick

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Why are we always in such a hurry to fix things?

There are a lot of people who want me to ‘fix’ my marriage. And they want to see it happen quickly. Imagine… if I don’t … for some reason it seems it would be ok for my husband to find someone else because ‘he has needs’. Excuuuse me?!

But no. I won’t fix my marriage fast. I may not fix it at all. After 25 years, there are a lot of issues. If by chance we do get back together, we probably have 25-30 years left together. So what’s the hurry? If it takes us 1-2 years to work through things does it matter? If we do it and do it well, isn’t it better than rushing it and ending up in the same place with the same bad habits, the same perceptions, the same ‘us’? Isn’t it kinder to give ourselves room to grow? Isn’t it kinder to really think things through and see where life takes us rather than pushing on because we ‘should’ be together? Because honestly – maybe we shouldn’t!

Hubby had a ‘come to Jesus’ moment and it seemed as though maybe we should and could work it out. Within a matter of days and weeks we were set to get back together and build a house and sail off into the sunset on our jet skis. The dream was dreamt, the fantasy was set. All we had to do was have the borders open, our current houses sell and off we would go. 3-6 months. All this year would be done and dusted and we could start afresh.

Except we can’t.

WE are still the same people. And part of that same is the ability to get caught up in a dream, forgetting everything else until the dream isn’t the fantasy we expected and life becomes harder because we went off on a wing and a prayer.

So with nothing changed except the ‘come to Jesus’ moment… really nothing changes. What drove me away before will do so again. Talk of work work work, running a business, feeling invisible, always being put second or third or fourth, feeling let down, caring but not truly loving him, physical contact still making me feel like cringing, my marriage not being a place of safety, strength and rest, not feeling respected. You see, I’m still wavering. My mind tells me I ‘should’ be there. I would make him happy, my kids happy, other people happy…. but I know deep down my heart does not want it. I want the dream… who wouldn’t, but I don’t want it with him. How very sad. How very lonely. I don’t hate him at all. I want the best for him and I can’t give him the best.

It’s easy to go back. So much is familiar. So much is comfortable even in it’s uncomfortableness. But don’t we both deserve better?

This is an excerpt from a text a dear friend sent me last week…

You see…. he wants what is best for me. He knows I deserve to be respected, to be special. He knows I deserve to be loved. He knows me enough to know how hard it is for me to let my guard down. He knows I shouldn’t settle for anything less than the best. He knows me so personally – in fact even from 3000 miles away he knows my faults, my weaknesses, and how I should be treated. Sometimes I forget what I deserve. I’m not yet ready to look for anyone else, but you can bet if that time comes I will remind myself of what I need to do.

Right now I waver back and forth. I don’t know what I want with my husband. But you know what? I’m ok with that. People think we need to fix things ‘now’, but we don’t. Sometimes we need to sit in the process. We need to take time. We need counselling. We need self development. We need space. We need freedom. We need wonder and grace to do life our way. Sometimes we need to lose ourselves in order to find ourselves.

If that means my husband has to wait… then he has a choice. He can love me in the waiting or he can go look for a bit of skirt somewhere else. I have needs to, but they are secondary to the rest of it. If I’m not worth the wait, then I never was worth enough to him. But if we can both self examine, both seek counsel and forgiveness, if we both continue to confront our own issues, then maybe there is a way. Or maybe there isn’t. But I’ll be damned if I will ever be hurried into something to keep other people happy.

I deserve the greatest love from and for myself. I deserve to be given the time and space I need.

So let’s stop the hurry. Let’s stop trying to fix. Let’s embrace the process. Let’s slow down. Take time. Be kind to ourselves. Be kind to each other. Allow ourselves to grow. Release the tears. Find out who we really are. Confront our fears. Work on our failings. Listen to the birds. Enjoy the coffee. Lie on the grass and stare at the sky. Let’s stop the hurry because we will be better for it. Let’s embrace the journey and take the time we need to heal instead of putting a band aid on an amputated limb and hoping it works.

Maybe you agree. Maybe you don’t. Would love to see your thoughts on this 🙂