Covid. That is what most people think about when they think of 2020 to 2022. Not me. I think divorce. When I left my husband at the start of 2020, I could never have imagined the depths of what I was to walk through. In all fairness to him, he has really been pretty decent with the whole process. In fact, I’m not even sure he knows the divorce was finalised 5 months ago. I assume he does. My care factor is not high.
Almost three years since I first decided I would leave and I have been through so much. I walked through burn out, exhaustion, the inability to find a job with Covid having hit, potential homelessness, finding work, being hopeful for reconciliation, defeat in that, reconciling my faith with the reality of divorce, selling homes, buying a townhouse, lots of counselling, reconciling the parts of me that that needed healed, reconciling my flaws, finding myself on different ends of the spectrum and allowing myself time to find the trajectory for my life that is most authentic to me. Finally…. the other side…. and JOY. So much joy.
It isn’t that life is necessarily easy. There is always things going on and ups and downs. But I carry a joy, a peace, a contentment that I haven’t carried all my life. I know who I am. I know what I will accept in both a partner, and from myself. I know who I want to be. I know that God is faithful. I fail, but keep on moving forward.
If anyone had told me that life could be this wonderful, I would never have been able to grasp it, or even believe it. I’m so thankful for friends, for family, for God, for a great work environment. I would walk through the last three years again if the change was guaranteed to bring this much satisfaction with life. I laugh every day, I am lighter in spirit, I have no fear of the future – just possibilities – endless possibilities. I’m not waiting for anyone, I’m just living life to the fullest, and loving every second of it.
I know some people have awful battles over houses, money, children, and I’m so thankful I didn’t have that. There was definitely hard times in there to get to the divorce, but it grew my strength, it made me more courageous, and it increased my resilience. I learnt to let go of what I wished for. I gave space to grieve what I had longed for and never was, I gave space to heal the wounds, and allow Gods love to fill my heart, and I gave space for loneliness and despair when it was needed. God took all the hurts, and all the tears, and he has replaced them with a deep seated joy.
Just yesterday I was saying to a friend that my vase at home never seems to be empty of flowers these days. This year, they have come from all different places, but there is barely a week I don’t have a vase filled with fragrance and beauty. She said that maybe it was God lavishing his love upon me, reminding me that I am worthy of his gifts, and worthy of love, and kindness. I hadn’t thought about that, but how precious, and special to think that could be true.
The other side of the divorce – for me, it is like walking out of a dark tunnel into the most brilliant sunshine, where the sun shines brighter, and the raindrops fall softer. So, my friend, if you are about to leave your marriage, if you are in the midst of heartache, or despair – remember that joy will come in the morning. Don’t give up. It might take time, but one day, you will wake up and realise that you deserve to LIVE, not just exist, or survive, but truly live each day, with a smile on your face, and a deep joy in your heart. I can promise that if you do the work on your own heart, you will heal and come through as a new creation.