So much has happened since I last posted and I hope to catch up soon. I’m currently in a weird place where the pendulum is swinging both ways.
It can be confusing. Unsettling. Where will I be in a years time? Is this too hard? Will I be single forever? Can my husband and I work things out? If we do, can I ever truly be happy with him?
As one thing falls into place, it seems another changes. Tick. Tick. Tick. The pendulum swings. We get on, we are friends. Tick. Tick. Tick. I can’t do this. I don’t like him. Tick. Tick. This is too hard. Tick. I want what we can do together. Tick. Tick. What does God require of me? Tick. Tick… and on it goes.
I have come to a place that tomorrow doesn’t matter. I only need to have today sorted out, next week sorted. Not next month, or next year. It will sort itself and no amount of worrying about it will change it.
I get to choose. I don’t have to stay with my husband. Is it good for me to stay and better for me to leave? Or is it good for me to leave and better for me to stay?
I don’t have the answers. There is no crystal ball. There is good, there is God and there is also choice. But there is no hurry. I’m not looking for a replacement. I’m not looking for a fling, or some love. I’m taking care of me. Looking after my relationship with God. And the answers will come.
With hubby stuck behind closed borders we can’t see each other. This is a good thing. Space is a good thing. Time to change is a good thing. Time to talk with no expectations is a good thing. There is no rush. If we decide we have nothing to pursue then that is ok. We will be ok. If we go down the road of reconciliation that is also ok. But right now the most precious thing we have is time.
Time to become the best versions of ourselves. Time to explore life alone. Time to reflect and recharge. Time to dig deep and heal hurts.
Nothing will be wasted. The pendulum is swinging, but one day it will be still. We will have our answers. And we will both be ok whatever our future looks like.
Sometimes others want answers of us. But we need to quieten their voices. If we can spend 25 years fighting for a marriage together, then a year or two years apart to decide if we can do another 25 years doesn’t matter.
We have time. Don’t let anyone hurry you. You won’t miss out on anything. You will be pleased for the investment into yourself. You will be pleased you took as long as you needed. Your future will be better for it.
So breathe. Slow down. Take time. Inhale. Exhale. Become at peace within yourself and your joy come. One step at a time is all that is required. So give yourself the gift of time. For you. For your heart. For your soul. For your future.
Go with the pendulum swings until the day your future becomes clear. Don’t be afraid. The answers will come.